I've got my Beta-Blockas on

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beta_blocker
my recent interest in my biology class makes me want to change to a biology/womens studies double major

poop

Punch Buggy Yellow

If reNickulous is gonna contemplate the origin of species, surely I can discuss the origin of weird-ass cultural phenomenons. So here goes:

I wish to recount just one incident, in a series of many, that constituted the most recent installment of "Fear and Loathing in Chestnut Hill: Bouge, Bugs and Bakes."

We found ourselves in the Lesbaru* on Lincoln drive at 2 in the morning next to, in the parlance of our times, a 'Pimped Out' Acura. The Acura's windows were tinted, its rims were gleaming, and its sound system was aggressive. None of the above can be said for the Lesbaru. But we were blasting, if such a verb can be used to describe this particularly feeble sound, the Lesbaru's previous owner's tape copy of 'Yellow Submarine', by the Beatles. When on the horizon, Tomas spotted a Yellow Volkswagon Beetle. "And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just 'Something That Happened.' This cannot be 'One of those things...' This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time."

Far more significant than this curiously coincidental incident, was the discussion that almost immediately followed: that of the Origin of "Punchbuggy Yellow No Punch Backs." Of course, the natural narrative leap that I so naturally just made was the omission of the fact that Tomas punched me in the arm and exclaimed the aforementioned exclamation. And we all thought it fitting that such a young looking friend would participate in such a child's game. Yet, all of that is quite beside the point. Here at Shmuz Weekly, we think there is only one true and viable explanation for the origin of this common recreational pastime:

Once there was a sloppy individual, and he was getting a ride in a car with some less sloppy acquaintances. He was undoubtedly riding bitch, and quite possibly crying, begging the driver to take him home, and snotting all over himself. Upon spotting a Yellow Volkswagon Beetle, he haphazardly responded to an array of stimuli, in a manner quite typical of a drunkard. See, one of his said acquaintances had recently punched him and he was seriously considering telling this guy not to do so again. But he was also considering punchin' dat asshole back. Deep within his consciousness, the Beetle conjured an oft-told family tale of this sloppy-man's childhood obsession with "Buggy's" (he was only three when he started yelling "Punch-Buggy!" every time he saw a Beetle on the road).

Thus, after a few shots of codeine, originally prescribed for his brother's wisdom teeth**, our protagonist's state of mind was in fact quite akin to that of his younger days. And as we often do when our inhibitions are so lowered, he responded to these various stimuli in one, barely perceptible, though unacceptably emphatic action. He punched his acquaintance in the arm and exclaimed "Punch-Buggy Yellow, No Punch Backs!" The accounts of this unforgivable incident took on a life of their own. The context and the derisive nature of the story both contributed to its longevity and widespread acceptance. And the story's inherent quality overshadowed the specific individuals and circumstances involved.

I know, this seems a bit far-fetched. But let's be honest, where the fuck else could this stupid-ass game have come from?

*The recently acquired White Subaru Station-Wagon belonging to Steve. To the best of my knowledge, it is still in his possession and has not yet been lost.
**Cheap-shot courtesy of Tomas

Over the River and Through the Woods

We're baaaaack! I know, this blog is not a movie, TV, or radio program, but we just had to show our support for the Writers Guild of America.

^Obvious excuse for laziness^ But seriously.

I trust you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, spent fading in and out of food comas while coming to terms with the fact that you find your cousin hot. Mine was pleasant, but uneventful, like smooth jazz, WJJZ 106.1. The night before, however, was anything but that. The night before was sudden, terrifying, panic-ridden, then waiting, and finally, full of relief, in that order.

You see, my grandmother, a wonderful and caring woman, was preparing the next day's feast in the kitchen, when she took one hell of a spill. I'm talking what you might call a "face plant." It was bad. And don't get me wrong, I'm not here to make light of the fact that she was hurt, that the bruise around her eye seemed straight out of Million Dollar Baby. That was anything but funny. Instead, I would like to point out that everyone accepts old people falling as a routine part of life.

Just as kids get taller and teenagers become hornier than Ron Jeremy, it seems we all agree that as life runs its natural course, so too do old people lose their sense of balance. I was shocked at how people reacted when my Dad told them about the incident. "My mother fell," he said. And anyone he told, while expressing the expected sympathy, also said something along the lines "Oh yeah, that'll happen." It was as if this event was no different than the usual extended family small talk:

"Did you hear that so and so's kid got into Shmuzbian University?"

"I don't think the [Insert surname of family that never comes to holiday gatherings here] are going to show up."

"Well, we didn't bring the other car because Thomas crashed it into a pick-up truck."

"My mother fell."

Does this change your outlook at all? The fact that when you're old and grey, the rest of the world expects you to be more unbalanced than the Bowl Championship Series? Perhaps that Jazzy "power chair" scooter doesn't look so unecessary now that you think about it. And how will you deal with our society's mixed messages? The Depends commercials imply that if you don't have to piss so often, you'll be able to play golf, do yoga, and sit on benches while smiling at your wife until Old Yeller jumps on your lap and you both have a good laugh about it. But how can you do the more physically active things if you're just going to fall?

As medical technology continues to advance, we can only hope that researchers develop affordable products to ensure more rock steady elders. Yet right now, we can do our best to help by changing our perception, particularly our expectations for those with the seniority. My Grandma fell, and she was okay, but I'm not going to view her in the context as a regular old person that randomly falls. I will continue to treat her with the respect and admiration she deserves, for a life that represents a full and benevolent body of work.

Finally, I hope none of this piece strikes you as contradictory, and I would also like to acknowledge that little kids falling is fucking hilarious.

A little something my all nighter produced

To err is human, to forgive divine
- Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism

Holding the Stolen Flame
Evolution versus Genetic Engineering from an
ethical, moral, and scientific viewpoint.

Back in the day of Ancient Greece when gods were many (and not capitalized), a tale was recited of the creation of mankind. The highest Olympian, Zeus, entrusted two Titans, the brothers Epimetheus and Prometheus to mold the creatures of the earth. Zeus led them to a quarry full of clay and bestowed upon them a load of traits and abilities to give to the creatures they designed. Prometheus immediately began to mold his grand vision: the human being. He labored for hours meticulously casting each bone, curling each eyelash, even stretching the skin to match the likeness of the gods—all created in his own image. Meanwhile, his brother hastily formed the other inhabitants of the earth, giving each one its respective talents. Prometheus finishes his human as Epimetheus completes the last animal. Until now he had not noticed the rate at which his brother gave his creations the abilities, and realizes that there are none left to give. Feeling sorry for his gorgeous creation, he steals fire from the gods and hands it to the people of the earth. Zeus soon figures out his deed and punishes Prometheus by strapping him to a high cliff. Everyday a vulture comes to eat his immortal heart out such that he has to witness the gore and feel his heart grow back for eternity. To punish the human race, Zeus sends the first woman, Pandora, to tantalize the hearts and minds of men. The story of Prometheus has been used in literature throughout history to symbolize the dangers of man delving into the uncharted waters of science and knowledge. One example being Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, subtitled “The Modern Prometheus.”

Though not as romantic as the Garden of Eden, Native-American tales of anthropomorphized animals, or the story of Prometheus, a large portion of the world’s population have come to accept Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution since State v. John Scopes in 1925, otherwise known as “The Great Monkey Trial.” Scopes was a biology teacher in Dayton, TN charged with illegally teaching the theory of evolution, a great sin to the fanatics of the Bible Belt (Linder, 2002). Though the case did not change much legally, it was publicized enormously. Scopes’s lawyer Clarence Darrow proved to the nation the importance of teaching the truth, even letting science coexist with religion. As our knowledge advances, the possibilities of genetic engineering seem limitless. At some point it may, and will unless the collapse of civilization occurs, allow for us to modify the human race to gain back the said traits lost to the animals of Epimetheus’s design. What if humans could blend as a chameleon, gain night vision like a bat, or the strength of a tiger? Television shows such as X-Men and Heroes are suddenly not so absurd. But will we be punished by a higher power for attempting to become such as them? Will man suffer castigation worse than woman? Where do we as a race draw the moral and ethical line between right and wrong when the sky may be the limit for what we can achieve?

Charles Darwin published his work “On the Origin of Species” in 1859. The concept he introduced was that populations over time evolve through a system which he gave the name natural selection (Darwin, 1859). The general idea is that organisms with traits beneficial to their survival in their natural habitat will live and pass their genes to following generations. Those with unfavorable traits will die out either due to their weaknesses or due to competition from those around them that have better abilities, in a sense nudging the weaker out by competitively stealing their niche. Darwin thus popularized the term “Survival of the Fittest” coined by Herbert Spencer (1859). These theories stemmed from research that Darwin had done in the Galapagos Islands. There he studied mockingbirds, tortoises, and some other animals and compared them to fossils he found. These findings were extrapolated to account for why certain species developed genetic makeup beneficial to their survival in each of their surroundings.

A brief synopsis of biology intertwined with common sense explains everything. For example, in humans each cell has 46 chromosomes. A chromosome is a bundle of DNA packaged and managed by proteins. In sexual reproduction, a human will produce gametes, haploid cells of 23 chromosomes created in the process of meiosis. Meiosis is much like mitosis of normal cell replication. Instead the information is not only replicated, but divided again to produce such cells with only half of ones genetic information. When male and females gametes interact they combine to create a diploid cell containing half of the genetic information of each parent. This process increases genetic variation in a species. Gregor Mendel laid down the foundation for genetics with his study of pea plants (Campbell and Reece, 2005). His discovery of dominant and recessive phenotypes gave a clue to how different genes are expressed once the deed of sexual reproduction has occurred. The words dominant and recessive have no correlation to whether a trait is good or bad, but rather to its power to be expressed or not. By combining these ideas it begins to become clear to how evolution occurs. Even a dominant trait, which would affect a majority of a population, can quickly run out if it is unsatisfactory.

It is best to create a hypothetical example to bring together this concept. Imagine the existence of an insect, Buggae bouttobeeatenus. Said insect has a dominant allele for a bright red color, while it has a recessive allele for a sand-esque tan. The bouttobeeatenus species resides in the Sahara desert of Northern Africa where predators are plenty and conditions are harsh. Until the arrival of a certain bug-eating bird, the insect was at least lucky enough to not have any of these predators be its own. Its population flourished and roughly three-quarters of the population were a beautiful Coke can red, the other quarter mainly unnoticed due to its biological camouflage. Horrendously, the migration of the new bird devastates the population of the red insect. All belonging to this phenotype cease to reproduce, mainly attributed to the small problem of not being alive. On the other hand the tan bug continues to shoot the breeze gradually making up one hundred percent of the population, even though its allele is recessive. So goes evolution, the survival of the fittest. Some genetic defects end up being extremely profitable to a species, while others lead to their demise.

In recent years, the field of genetic engineering has been created. As the human race matures, fields of science have expanded at an exponential rate making leaps and bounds. Genetic engineering is one such field. The concept of cloning has been realized and performed. Dolly the sheep, the result of the first major cloning experiment, died in 2003 at the age of six due to a lung disease, apparently unrelated to her being a clone (CNN, 2003). The experiment lead to a well publicized global issue concerning the ethics of cloning. Genetic engineering starts from the discovery that certain restriction enzymes can chop DNA at very specific locations. With the help of the enzyme ligase, foreign DNA can be inserted into a bacterial plasmid by cutting each in matching spots. The restriction enzymes create “sticky ends” and ligase zips these ends together to form a recombinant plasmid. This process has been used to recreate many biological features that may or may not be beneficial. Human Growth Hormone (HGH) can be massively produced in this process, and is used to treat stunted growth (Beckwitt, 2007). While this has great physical and psychological affects to the percent of the population with stunted growth, it also brings up the ethics of the people who do not. Is it okay for normal men to take this hormone in order to get humongous and muscular, either to impress the ladies or to become physically superior? The answer is undoubtedly no, and the idea is somewhat disgusting. Yet it still happens. This drug must be FDA regulated, yet is seen all the time in popular health stores such as BodyBuilding.com (Bodybuilding.com, 2007).

Due to the Human Genome Project our DNA library has been vaguely mapped out. Progress in decoding its secrets is made by the day as research and funding progress. Research and genetic engineering most likely are the solution to today’s health problems, affecting the entire global population. In 1986, the first genetically engineered vaccine was created, for the Hepatitis B virus (HepB.org, 2003). This vaccine does not contain blood and makes it impossible to gain the Hepatitis B virus from the vaccine. With the amount of research being put into the study of worse diseases such as Cancer and AIDS, it is plausible if not likely that solutions will come for people with these life threatening diseases in the future.

Even the food we eat is beginning to be genetically engineered. These processes are offered as solutions for the global problem of lack of food and malnutrition. A vast amount of soybeans and corn have been modified to resist herbicides and insects, resulting in a much larger net production. Rice has been genetically engineered to contain beta-carotene, which humans use to make Vitamin A. Lack of Vitamin A can lead to various diseases, and this process serves as a solution this problem globally, especially in Southeast Asia where seventy percent of children are deficient in Vitamin A (Beckwitt, 2007). World hunger is a big issue in our day and age where overpopulation has grown rampant. Of course, the cure and prevention of violent diseases as well as the production of food to meet our world’s growing needs can be nothing but one giant leap for mankind. What possible harm can we inflict by saving millions of lives?

On the first page of Darwin’s Origin of Species, he includes three quotations. One is from William Whewell, another from Sir Francis Bacon, and the third by Joseph Butler. The second quotation from Bacon’s Advancement of Learning explains that the human race should study the environment as a work of God, and we shall find his meaning through his work (Darwin, 1859). But what is there to examine if humanity takes on God’s role? Surely Darwin would be appalled to realize that his work has stemmed to lead mankind to cockiness and immaturity. The outcome of brashness has been recorded in the Bible many times. Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed by fire and brimstone, the people of Babel scattered across the earth, a flood which annihilated all but the chosen few that were saved, and the plagues of Exodus are well known to even the normal non-church attending American. The question remains: Have we lost all fear of the almighty? Darwin included Bacon’s quote because of his belief that we should use science to better our understanding of the world, not to control it.

Even without the mention of theology and metaphysics the repercussions of our race are simple to comprehend. The earth now contains more than six billion human beings, a third of that occupying just China and India alone, and it is growing exponentially. Stopping this would defy common mathematics, since the equation governing population growth learned in most Algebra II classes is in fact an exponential function! Overpopulation will ultimately lead to the demise of the world we have come to love. The use of genetic engineering to save lives may be incredible, romantically warms the hearts of many, but it is not our choice to make. If all lives are managed to be saved, life expectancy will also increase. Even if the genetic engineering of food is optimized to a maximum level it will be grueling to support such an amount of people. The saddest part is that even if a surplus of food is achieved we will ravish our natural resources. We are haunted every day with news of Global Warming, the depletion of our natural fuels, and the eradication of our forests. Even the essential ingredient to human life, water, is nowhere close to infinite unless a viable way to massively purify sea water is discovered. Will we evolve to meet these demands? Or in desperation will we attempt to modify ourselves so that we ensure our survival? Hopefully the answer is no, but the thoughts of these outcomes are terrifying.

It is hard to be sure if recent disasters and epidemics are a product of our stupidity or of our fearlessness. Occurrences such as Katrina, earthquakes in the Mid-East, and AIDS are really not so far from the fury of the Old Testament. It makes one wonder if we have been being punished for years but are so fearless we do not even know it. Look up the word “disaster” on Wikipedia. The list it compiles of possible world endings is enough to make anyone cringe. The line between science fiction and reality becomes completely blurred. The recent movie Transformers depicts a race of alien beings that have stripped their home of their resources, and traverse the universe to find more. We as a people are too good to have that fate. We will have to rely on the ethics and morals of leaders across the globe to solve the perils of our future.