This is all Tom's fault I swear...

Gotta stop all the liquor and zannies
They aint helping the panni
Stead ill talk to devil and make him unhand me
He cant compete the flow is uncanny
So after i catch it im a go like randy
Cuz if i reach the end zone ima have ten thrones
Crusted in jewels plus each henchmen got ten phones
So they aint never catch me dealing
But if you catch a feeling
Ma, ill make your legs touch ceiling
Ima ride til i reach the casket
With checks with more eggs than an easter basket
Teach the bastards they dont wanna tempt me
Professional killer, hobby's just an MC
Thats why Washington keep lobbying against me
So im stressing and ill go back to Jack
And youll be sure it's not Dempsey

- MC Rennergade/ Rediculous Nicholas (Sicker than Syphillis)

What About Being Totally Fabulous?

Ladies and Gentleman, gurus and goofballs, welcome to the first annual Shmuz Weekly Unisex Fashion Show!

We've got a truly tanfastic lineup of the most gender neutral clothing around, so whatever you do, don't touch that dial.*


First on the runway is Jordan, delivering all the style that can fit in your mailbox with this hip, new messenger bag. When people shout out "man purse!" Jordan keeps moving right along. Just take a closer at this young man's single-strap sling-over and you'll see he's not carrying any change... He's got a special delivery with your name on it.




Up next we have Skylar, sporting a pair of the newest shoes to be named after a predatory reptile, Crocs! Whether you're employed as a clown or a full-time shmuz of a college student, these holey rubbers are for you. Available in the same colors as Nick's Polos including Seafoam Green, Yuppy Yellow, and Please Kill Me Kiwi.




Want to pay tribute to your native American heritage, but not enough to protest Columbus day? Check out Taylor's solution, as she lightly treads Mother Earth with these moccasins. Warm, comfortable, and no need to tie, they're the perfect fit for those days you're just lying around the tepee.




Winter is here, and sometime soon, you may have to offer your jacket to that special someone. With the black fleece Northface, boyfriend and girlfriend alike can share a coat for the holiday season. But what's the real secret? Dog hair and lint collection at a reasonable three hundred dollars.




Ever wish you could be those kids in the Capri Sun commercials? Me neither, but Alex looks liquid cool in these capri pants. Hemming off just below the knee, capris are a big help on those days when you can't decide between shorts or long pants. And the name? Well, who wants to wear "ports" or "shants"?


Look, people. It doesn't matter who you are or where you're from, unisex fashion is the wave of the future. The line between the "Men's" and "Women's" sections is rapidly blurring, and so is the line between men and women. Every day, girls are taking shits, guys are smoking Camel No. 9s, and more and more bathrooms are becoming co-ed. Make sure you don't get left behind by picking up your gender neutral clothing today. Because the future is now, and the revolution will not be on YouTube.


*The great thing about the phrase "don't touch that dial" is that no TVs are made with dials any more. I think perhaps this calls for a column on outdated colloquialisms, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Don't Be a Betch.

I would like to go on record as saying this: Sororities are an excuse for equally attractive girls to stick together. I'm sure you've heard the terms "hot sorority" or "ugly sorority." What does that tell you, when the general public can confidently make such an observation? It tells you that each sorority has an unspoken requirement based on attractiveness.

Consider the ugly duckling factor: If you were a girl looking to join a sorority, would you seek the one in which you were the least attractive? Would you want to be the exception rather than the rule? The answer is no and there are a number of sad reasons. One is that when out partying with your fellow sisters, you might end up receiving less attention from the opposite sex. Another is that you're not interested in making the sacrifices the organization demands. In some "hot" sororities, for example, you may be limited to a piece of lettuce for lunch and two carrots for dinner. Imagine eating the same diet as a rabbit, just to feel like you fit in.

Now I will acknowledge something the naysayers may want to point out: I have never been and never will be in a sorority. I am not speaking from firsthand experience because, well, I have a wang. This is not the first time my wang has obstructed opportunities. My Dad very much wanted me to apply to Wellesley College, his mother's alma mater. But not even legacy could make up for my lack of a uterus.

So yes, I am speaking from an outsider's perspective. I understand sororities may help girls become best friends foreva eva, and provide wonderful academic and social opportunities. But I see all of that within a culture segregated by looks. Proof is abound, I assure you.

Find one of those large, framed pictures that has an individual photograph of each sorority member in their own little oval. (They may be in squares as well, but ovals seem to be the standard.) Be honest with yourself. This goes especially for the female readers. Don't do the "Oh she's PRETTY!" thing when the girl has a large shnoz, Rec Specs for glasses and multi-colored braches*. It's dawning on you now, isn't it? Maybe there are one or two exceptions, but really, you could put them all in the same category. That's right. You could categorize them all as "slammin'" or "decent" or "maybe if I was drunk." The list goes on, the concept remains.

When you go to a sorority party, see for yourself. Do you notice ANYthing? By your own standards of attractiveness, whatever those may be, where do the girls in this sorority fit? If it's known as a "hot" sorority, aren't the overwhelming majority of the girls "hot"? Ask yourself, what is the ratio of attractive to not-attractive? Perhaps you feel guilty for thinking about these people in these terms. But didn't the sorority itself consider this factor when offering bids? Could you really argue that what you see is the result of pure coincidence? Maybe they didn't mean any harm by it, maybe it all happened subconciously, but I think you'll find the evidence is there. A social organization standardized by appearance.

Since the Greek goddess Athena founded Alpha Delta Pi Tango Chi Omega Charlie in 750 Before Christ, sororities could be measured by tiers of attractiveness. Before you jump to conclusions on your "Jump to Conclusions Mat" remember that I am not trying to take any outraged position of superior morality. I simply would like you to consider my observation and decide for yourself to what degree it is true. And whatever you find, spread the word. Just be careful not to get bitch slapped.

*Braches (n): An alternative pronunciation of the word "braces" generally used to make braces seem funnier. Sounds like "bra-chays" when said aloud.