Its a wonderful life...

We at shmuz weekly would like to wish you all a happy holidays, no matter what denomination you are. Unless you have a foot fetish, cuz that shit is weird. Whether you've been naughty or nice this year I have one thing to say.

Don't binge drink on eggnog. Get a nice buzz going, but that dairy is going to hit you. Its going to hit you hard.

Merry Christmas and get ready for the best holiday of the year (besides my birthday)

- A guy

Disparate Times Call for Disparate Ideas

It's finals week.

During this time, whenever I am not studying, I feel like I should be. This very moment is an excellent example. But I have some ideas I need to share with you, in the hope that they may provide a nice little distraction during your own grueling exam period:





Michael Bolton has the iTunes Holiday Single of the Week. I thought he was just a joke from the movie Office Space. Oh wait, okay. The single is free. Yah Mo Get This.





The funniest sound recognized by college students nationwide: Those hard plastic cafeteria cups bouncing on the floor after someone accidentally drops them. Pop pop, pop pop, poppoppoppp. (The above picture is the first image to appear when you perform a google search for "hard plastic cup.")





It doesn't really make much sense that the sports media agreed on the term "Spygate" to describe when one NFL team is taping another team's signals. I mean, part of the reason Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon ordered a break-in to the Democratic National Commitee's office was to "spy" on the opposing party. The scandal was still named after the building in which it was exposed. Why not call what happened between the Patriots and the Jets "Meadowgate"? Even for Bill Clinton's major scandal, many journalists used a modification of Watergate that more specifically addressed the incident: They called it "Monicagate." If those reporters had taken the same approach as today's NFL analysts, that is, attached "gate" to the end of some vague description of the reprehensible action, they would have called the Lewinsky scandal "Sexgate." That's too much free advertising for one porn website.





Tell me if this sounds familiar:

"Uhhh ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. On behalf of the entire crew, I would like to welcome you aboard Shmuz Airlines Flight 767 with non-stop service to Uzbekistan."

Now I ask you, in all seriousness: Would that sound familiar in a female voice? Do female captains even exist?!*

At least in my own experience on major commercial airlines, I cannot ever remember hearing a woman announce our cruising altitude and estimated time of arrival over that ubiquitous loudspeaker. Perhaps gender remains part of the criteria for certain positions on an airplane's crew, but that seems to be changing in areas outside the cockpit. There are now male stewardesses, for whom the politically correct term has become "flight attendants." This raises even more complex questions. We call female nurses "nurses" and we call male nurses "male nurses." Why can't "stewards" refer to the males that bring us those Mini-Me-sized bags of pretzels and "stewardesses" refer to the females that pour our ginger ale around those ice cubes that could sink the Titanic?

The truth is out there. According to data from American Airlines, of their 3,945 captains, 58 are female. Now it may be the case that I've never encountered any of that 1-2% of the demographic, but we musn't speculate. If anything, the fact that these seductive skippers do exist provides a more concrete explanation for why all captains sound the same. When the captains push in that button on the loudspeaker, there's some voice-altering technology at work, and all of them, whether male or female, all of them sound like a really generic guy who makes over-extended pauses with that back-of-the-throat "Uhhh."

Or, on second thought, maybe travelers just aren't quite ready to accept "the vaginapit."





Anyway, I sincerely wish all of you the best, especially if you're just trying to make it through the hell that you've created for yourself during finals week. Just know that many of us are going through the same thing and that you WILL make it. On the horizon for Shmuz Weekly, we're hoping to get more reader participation, maybe through contests, letters, collaborative articles, etcetera. If you have any ideas, please let us know, or post them on the facebook group. We should have more time to work on all this stuff over winter break. And hey, listen... [Until] I see ya again... Keep on truckin'.

* Thanks to my friend Nina for alerting me to this phenomenon.

Please, Shed Light On SOme Thoughts

Aright, so I have been wrapping up my studies..... thats right, I said it.
But anywhatsagigger...I am writing an essay for Comm class where I am asked to define communication in my own words. I am currently in the proccess of doing so, and until I am finished I won't be able to fully explain how much I know..... oh Im excited.


But lemme hear it, what you think?

Here are several things to think of as you construct your own definition:

-Its purpose is to transmit messages and signasls over space for the purpose of controling a space or people.
-it is the maintence of society in time, the representation of shared beliefs, and not imparting information
-it constructs and defines the reality in which we live in, fully defining every aspect of our society and the interaction that occur within it.

think homies.
Thom, if you don't come up with something good, I will respect you no longer.

Peace, Dave

PS - stay sick wit it

An excerpt from the life and times of Steven Jacobs

cocacholas: hey buddy
sj42o: yo nucka
cocacholas: whats hood
cocacholas: bsides the kuklux
sj42o: muslims
sj42o: yo mykeys are all fucked up again
cocacholas: hahaha
sj42o: i spilled jugnle jews all over my shit
sj42o: i think god just wants me to be bougetto

This Is All reNickulous' Fault, I Swear:

Chris Weitz's screen adaptation of "The Golden Compass" adeptly delves into weighty subject matter while utilizing a dialogue that is distinctly child-oriented. The unfortunate consequent is the notion that we aren't truly acquainted with Weitz's characters, who are certainly not as well-developed as Pullman's. It becomes clear, however, that this was a calculated decision: any addition of children's dialogue sufficient to truly develop the characters, would undoubtedly be sufficient to bore an older audience. And more sophisticated dialogue would alienate a younger audience. In order to draw both the young and the old, Weitz implied quite a lot, while saying almost nothing. The result is a stunning allegory, and a great movie to watch high... Or with your mom and two younger sisters:

Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy is quite often placed in the same category as "The Chronicles of Narnia", and not simply because they are both books that Nick is all about. They both contain subtle references that cause quite a bit of religious controversy. I won't discuss Narnia, but Pullman's novels are considered to be criticisms of the Catholic church. This adaptation of "The Golden Compass" (I cannot speak for the novel itself because it has been such a long time since I have read it), goes much further than simply criticizing the church, it is an all-out allegory to the Crusades. Here goes:

The story begins at Jordan College, in Oxford, England. But the characters are referred to as "Scholars of Jordan", and, as far as I could tell, the name Oxford is never mentioned. This would not be noteworthy, if it weren't for two other references to the Middle East: the Gyptians and Lord Asriel. If we take the Magisterium to represent the Catholic Church, as so many critics have suggested, than The "Scholars of Jordan" and Lord Asriel are not only emblems of scientific progress but also of religious dissidence, and so it is not a leap at all to suggest that they are analogous to the intellectual and cultural affluence of the Middle East in the 11th Century. With this in mind, that the Magisterial Officers refer to "The Scholars of Jordan" as Heretics makes a lot of sense. When John Faa, of the Gyptians, explains that the Gyptians have always been friends to Lord Asriel, we begin to see what Pullman is truly illuminating: that Muslim-Jewish conflict in the Middle East is by no means innate, and that it was the stresses of Western (and Catholic) imperialism that brought it about. In truth, during the Crusades, the Muslim's protected the Jewish communities that inhabited Jerusalem.

Also, the symbol of the Magisterium flipped upside-down is the Freemason symbol, and the Catholic church-Freemason conflict is one of the longest standing conflicts in the History of Modern Civilization.

Go see the movie, it's tight.

I've got my Beta-Blockas on

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beta_blocker
my recent interest in my biology class makes me want to change to a biology/womens studies double major

poop

Punch Buggy Yellow

If reNickulous is gonna contemplate the origin of species, surely I can discuss the origin of weird-ass cultural phenomenons. So here goes:

I wish to recount just one incident, in a series of many, that constituted the most recent installment of "Fear and Loathing in Chestnut Hill: Bouge, Bugs and Bakes."

We found ourselves in the Lesbaru* on Lincoln drive at 2 in the morning next to, in the parlance of our times, a 'Pimped Out' Acura. The Acura's windows were tinted, its rims were gleaming, and its sound system was aggressive. None of the above can be said for the Lesbaru. But we were blasting, if such a verb can be used to describe this particularly feeble sound, the Lesbaru's previous owner's tape copy of 'Yellow Submarine', by the Beatles. When on the horizon, Tomas spotted a Yellow Volkswagon Beetle. "And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just 'Something That Happened.' This cannot be 'One of those things...' This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time."

Far more significant than this curiously coincidental incident, was the discussion that almost immediately followed: that of the Origin of "Punchbuggy Yellow No Punch Backs." Of course, the natural narrative leap that I so naturally just made was the omission of the fact that Tomas punched me in the arm and exclaimed the aforementioned exclamation. And we all thought it fitting that such a young looking friend would participate in such a child's game. Yet, all of that is quite beside the point. Here at Shmuz Weekly, we think there is only one true and viable explanation for the origin of this common recreational pastime:

Once there was a sloppy individual, and he was getting a ride in a car with some less sloppy acquaintances. He was undoubtedly riding bitch, and quite possibly crying, begging the driver to take him home, and snotting all over himself. Upon spotting a Yellow Volkswagon Beetle, he haphazardly responded to an array of stimuli, in a manner quite typical of a drunkard. See, one of his said acquaintances had recently punched him and he was seriously considering telling this guy not to do so again. But he was also considering punchin' dat asshole back. Deep within his consciousness, the Beetle conjured an oft-told family tale of this sloppy-man's childhood obsession with "Buggy's" (he was only three when he started yelling "Punch-Buggy!" every time he saw a Beetle on the road).

Thus, after a few shots of codeine, originally prescribed for his brother's wisdom teeth**, our protagonist's state of mind was in fact quite akin to that of his younger days. And as we often do when our inhibitions are so lowered, he responded to these various stimuli in one, barely perceptible, though unacceptably emphatic action. He punched his acquaintance in the arm and exclaimed "Punch-Buggy Yellow, No Punch Backs!" The accounts of this unforgivable incident took on a life of their own. The context and the derisive nature of the story both contributed to its longevity and widespread acceptance. And the story's inherent quality overshadowed the specific individuals and circumstances involved.

I know, this seems a bit far-fetched. But let's be honest, where the fuck else could this stupid-ass game have come from?

*The recently acquired White Subaru Station-Wagon belonging to Steve. To the best of my knowledge, it is still in his possession and has not yet been lost.
**Cheap-shot courtesy of Tomas

Over the River and Through the Woods

We're baaaaack! I know, this blog is not a movie, TV, or radio program, but we just had to show our support for the Writers Guild of America.

^Obvious excuse for laziness^ But seriously.

I trust you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, spent fading in and out of food comas while coming to terms with the fact that you find your cousin hot. Mine was pleasant, but uneventful, like smooth jazz, WJJZ 106.1. The night before, however, was anything but that. The night before was sudden, terrifying, panic-ridden, then waiting, and finally, full of relief, in that order.

You see, my grandmother, a wonderful and caring woman, was preparing the next day's feast in the kitchen, when she took one hell of a spill. I'm talking what you might call a "face plant." It was bad. And don't get me wrong, I'm not here to make light of the fact that she was hurt, that the bruise around her eye seemed straight out of Million Dollar Baby. That was anything but funny. Instead, I would like to point out that everyone accepts old people falling as a routine part of life.

Just as kids get taller and teenagers become hornier than Ron Jeremy, it seems we all agree that as life runs its natural course, so too do old people lose their sense of balance. I was shocked at how people reacted when my Dad told them about the incident. "My mother fell," he said. And anyone he told, while expressing the expected sympathy, also said something along the lines "Oh yeah, that'll happen." It was as if this event was no different than the usual extended family small talk:

"Did you hear that so and so's kid got into Shmuzbian University?"

"I don't think the [Insert surname of family that never comes to holiday gatherings here] are going to show up."

"Well, we didn't bring the other car because Thomas crashed it into a pick-up truck."

"My mother fell."

Does this change your outlook at all? The fact that when you're old and grey, the rest of the world expects you to be more unbalanced than the Bowl Championship Series? Perhaps that Jazzy "power chair" scooter doesn't look so unecessary now that you think about it. And how will you deal with our society's mixed messages? The Depends commercials imply that if you don't have to piss so often, you'll be able to play golf, do yoga, and sit on benches while smiling at your wife until Old Yeller jumps on your lap and you both have a good laugh about it. But how can you do the more physically active things if you're just going to fall?

As medical technology continues to advance, we can only hope that researchers develop affordable products to ensure more rock steady elders. Yet right now, we can do our best to help by changing our perception, particularly our expectations for those with the seniority. My Grandma fell, and she was okay, but I'm not going to view her in the context as a regular old person that randomly falls. I will continue to treat her with the respect and admiration she deserves, for a life that represents a full and benevolent body of work.

Finally, I hope none of this piece strikes you as contradictory, and I would also like to acknowledge that little kids falling is fucking hilarious.

A little something my all nighter produced

To err is human, to forgive divine
- Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism

Holding the Stolen Flame
Evolution versus Genetic Engineering from an
ethical, moral, and scientific viewpoint.

Back in the day of Ancient Greece when gods were many (and not capitalized), a tale was recited of the creation of mankind. The highest Olympian, Zeus, entrusted two Titans, the brothers Epimetheus and Prometheus to mold the creatures of the earth. Zeus led them to a quarry full of clay and bestowed upon them a load of traits and abilities to give to the creatures they designed. Prometheus immediately began to mold his grand vision: the human being. He labored for hours meticulously casting each bone, curling each eyelash, even stretching the skin to match the likeness of the gods—all created in his own image. Meanwhile, his brother hastily formed the other inhabitants of the earth, giving each one its respective talents. Prometheus finishes his human as Epimetheus completes the last animal. Until now he had not noticed the rate at which his brother gave his creations the abilities, and realizes that there are none left to give. Feeling sorry for his gorgeous creation, he steals fire from the gods and hands it to the people of the earth. Zeus soon figures out his deed and punishes Prometheus by strapping him to a high cliff. Everyday a vulture comes to eat his immortal heart out such that he has to witness the gore and feel his heart grow back for eternity. To punish the human race, Zeus sends the first woman, Pandora, to tantalize the hearts and minds of men. The story of Prometheus has been used in literature throughout history to symbolize the dangers of man delving into the uncharted waters of science and knowledge. One example being Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, subtitled “The Modern Prometheus.”

Though not as romantic as the Garden of Eden, Native-American tales of anthropomorphized animals, or the story of Prometheus, a large portion of the world’s population have come to accept Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution since State v. John Scopes in 1925, otherwise known as “The Great Monkey Trial.” Scopes was a biology teacher in Dayton, TN charged with illegally teaching the theory of evolution, a great sin to the fanatics of the Bible Belt (Linder, 2002). Though the case did not change much legally, it was publicized enormously. Scopes’s lawyer Clarence Darrow proved to the nation the importance of teaching the truth, even letting science coexist with religion. As our knowledge advances, the possibilities of genetic engineering seem limitless. At some point it may, and will unless the collapse of civilization occurs, allow for us to modify the human race to gain back the said traits lost to the animals of Epimetheus’s design. What if humans could blend as a chameleon, gain night vision like a bat, or the strength of a tiger? Television shows such as X-Men and Heroes are suddenly not so absurd. But will we be punished by a higher power for attempting to become such as them? Will man suffer castigation worse than woman? Where do we as a race draw the moral and ethical line between right and wrong when the sky may be the limit for what we can achieve?

Charles Darwin published his work “On the Origin of Species” in 1859. The concept he introduced was that populations over time evolve through a system which he gave the name natural selection (Darwin, 1859). The general idea is that organisms with traits beneficial to their survival in their natural habitat will live and pass their genes to following generations. Those with unfavorable traits will die out either due to their weaknesses or due to competition from those around them that have better abilities, in a sense nudging the weaker out by competitively stealing their niche. Darwin thus popularized the term “Survival of the Fittest” coined by Herbert Spencer (1859). These theories stemmed from research that Darwin had done in the Galapagos Islands. There he studied mockingbirds, tortoises, and some other animals and compared them to fossils he found. These findings were extrapolated to account for why certain species developed genetic makeup beneficial to their survival in each of their surroundings.

A brief synopsis of biology intertwined with common sense explains everything. For example, in humans each cell has 46 chromosomes. A chromosome is a bundle of DNA packaged and managed by proteins. In sexual reproduction, a human will produce gametes, haploid cells of 23 chromosomes created in the process of meiosis. Meiosis is much like mitosis of normal cell replication. Instead the information is not only replicated, but divided again to produce such cells with only half of ones genetic information. When male and females gametes interact they combine to create a diploid cell containing half of the genetic information of each parent. This process increases genetic variation in a species. Gregor Mendel laid down the foundation for genetics with his study of pea plants (Campbell and Reece, 2005). His discovery of dominant and recessive phenotypes gave a clue to how different genes are expressed once the deed of sexual reproduction has occurred. The words dominant and recessive have no correlation to whether a trait is good or bad, but rather to its power to be expressed or not. By combining these ideas it begins to become clear to how evolution occurs. Even a dominant trait, which would affect a majority of a population, can quickly run out if it is unsatisfactory.

It is best to create a hypothetical example to bring together this concept. Imagine the existence of an insect, Buggae bouttobeeatenus. Said insect has a dominant allele for a bright red color, while it has a recessive allele for a sand-esque tan. The bouttobeeatenus species resides in the Sahara desert of Northern Africa where predators are plenty and conditions are harsh. Until the arrival of a certain bug-eating bird, the insect was at least lucky enough to not have any of these predators be its own. Its population flourished and roughly three-quarters of the population were a beautiful Coke can red, the other quarter mainly unnoticed due to its biological camouflage. Horrendously, the migration of the new bird devastates the population of the red insect. All belonging to this phenotype cease to reproduce, mainly attributed to the small problem of not being alive. On the other hand the tan bug continues to shoot the breeze gradually making up one hundred percent of the population, even though its allele is recessive. So goes evolution, the survival of the fittest. Some genetic defects end up being extremely profitable to a species, while others lead to their demise.

In recent years, the field of genetic engineering has been created. As the human race matures, fields of science have expanded at an exponential rate making leaps and bounds. Genetic engineering is one such field. The concept of cloning has been realized and performed. Dolly the sheep, the result of the first major cloning experiment, died in 2003 at the age of six due to a lung disease, apparently unrelated to her being a clone (CNN, 2003). The experiment lead to a well publicized global issue concerning the ethics of cloning. Genetic engineering starts from the discovery that certain restriction enzymes can chop DNA at very specific locations. With the help of the enzyme ligase, foreign DNA can be inserted into a bacterial plasmid by cutting each in matching spots. The restriction enzymes create “sticky ends” and ligase zips these ends together to form a recombinant plasmid. This process has been used to recreate many biological features that may or may not be beneficial. Human Growth Hormone (HGH) can be massively produced in this process, and is used to treat stunted growth (Beckwitt, 2007). While this has great physical and psychological affects to the percent of the population with stunted growth, it also brings up the ethics of the people who do not. Is it okay for normal men to take this hormone in order to get humongous and muscular, either to impress the ladies or to become physically superior? The answer is undoubtedly no, and the idea is somewhat disgusting. Yet it still happens. This drug must be FDA regulated, yet is seen all the time in popular health stores such as BodyBuilding.com (Bodybuilding.com, 2007).

Due to the Human Genome Project our DNA library has been vaguely mapped out. Progress in decoding its secrets is made by the day as research and funding progress. Research and genetic engineering most likely are the solution to today’s health problems, affecting the entire global population. In 1986, the first genetically engineered vaccine was created, for the Hepatitis B virus (HepB.org, 2003). This vaccine does not contain blood and makes it impossible to gain the Hepatitis B virus from the vaccine. With the amount of research being put into the study of worse diseases such as Cancer and AIDS, it is plausible if not likely that solutions will come for people with these life threatening diseases in the future.

Even the food we eat is beginning to be genetically engineered. These processes are offered as solutions for the global problem of lack of food and malnutrition. A vast amount of soybeans and corn have been modified to resist herbicides and insects, resulting in a much larger net production. Rice has been genetically engineered to contain beta-carotene, which humans use to make Vitamin A. Lack of Vitamin A can lead to various diseases, and this process serves as a solution this problem globally, especially in Southeast Asia where seventy percent of children are deficient in Vitamin A (Beckwitt, 2007). World hunger is a big issue in our day and age where overpopulation has grown rampant. Of course, the cure and prevention of violent diseases as well as the production of food to meet our world’s growing needs can be nothing but one giant leap for mankind. What possible harm can we inflict by saving millions of lives?

On the first page of Darwin’s Origin of Species, he includes three quotations. One is from William Whewell, another from Sir Francis Bacon, and the third by Joseph Butler. The second quotation from Bacon’s Advancement of Learning explains that the human race should study the environment as a work of God, and we shall find his meaning through his work (Darwin, 1859). But what is there to examine if humanity takes on God’s role? Surely Darwin would be appalled to realize that his work has stemmed to lead mankind to cockiness and immaturity. The outcome of brashness has been recorded in the Bible many times. Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed by fire and brimstone, the people of Babel scattered across the earth, a flood which annihilated all but the chosen few that were saved, and the plagues of Exodus are well known to even the normal non-church attending American. The question remains: Have we lost all fear of the almighty? Darwin included Bacon’s quote because of his belief that we should use science to better our understanding of the world, not to control it.

Even without the mention of theology and metaphysics the repercussions of our race are simple to comprehend. The earth now contains more than six billion human beings, a third of that occupying just China and India alone, and it is growing exponentially. Stopping this would defy common mathematics, since the equation governing population growth learned in most Algebra II classes is in fact an exponential function! Overpopulation will ultimately lead to the demise of the world we have come to love. The use of genetic engineering to save lives may be incredible, romantically warms the hearts of many, but it is not our choice to make. If all lives are managed to be saved, life expectancy will also increase. Even if the genetic engineering of food is optimized to a maximum level it will be grueling to support such an amount of people. The saddest part is that even if a surplus of food is achieved we will ravish our natural resources. We are haunted every day with news of Global Warming, the depletion of our natural fuels, and the eradication of our forests. Even the essential ingredient to human life, water, is nowhere close to infinite unless a viable way to massively purify sea water is discovered. Will we evolve to meet these demands? Or in desperation will we attempt to modify ourselves so that we ensure our survival? Hopefully the answer is no, but the thoughts of these outcomes are terrifying.

It is hard to be sure if recent disasters and epidemics are a product of our stupidity or of our fearlessness. Occurrences such as Katrina, earthquakes in the Mid-East, and AIDS are really not so far from the fury of the Old Testament. It makes one wonder if we have been being punished for years but are so fearless we do not even know it. Look up the word “disaster” on Wikipedia. The list it compiles of possible world endings is enough to make anyone cringe. The line between science fiction and reality becomes completely blurred. The recent movie Transformers depicts a race of alien beings that have stripped their home of their resources, and traverse the universe to find more. We as a people are too good to have that fate. We will have to rely on the ethics and morals of leaders across the globe to solve the perils of our future.

This is all Tom's fault I swear...

Gotta stop all the liquor and zannies
They aint helping the panni
Stead ill talk to devil and make him unhand me
He cant compete the flow is uncanny
So after i catch it im a go like randy
Cuz if i reach the end zone ima have ten thrones
Crusted in jewels plus each henchmen got ten phones
So they aint never catch me dealing
But if you catch a feeling
Ma, ill make your legs touch ceiling
Ima ride til i reach the casket
With checks with more eggs than an easter basket
Teach the bastards they dont wanna tempt me
Professional killer, hobby's just an MC
Thats why Washington keep lobbying against me
So im stressing and ill go back to Jack
And youll be sure it's not Dempsey

- MC Rennergade/ Rediculous Nicholas (Sicker than Syphillis)

What About Being Totally Fabulous?

Ladies and Gentleman, gurus and goofballs, welcome to the first annual Shmuz Weekly Unisex Fashion Show!

We've got a truly tanfastic lineup of the most gender neutral clothing around, so whatever you do, don't touch that dial.*


First on the runway is Jordan, delivering all the style that can fit in your mailbox with this hip, new messenger bag. When people shout out "man purse!" Jordan keeps moving right along. Just take a closer at this young man's single-strap sling-over and you'll see he's not carrying any change... He's got a special delivery with your name on it.




Up next we have Skylar, sporting a pair of the newest shoes to be named after a predatory reptile, Crocs! Whether you're employed as a clown or a full-time shmuz of a college student, these holey rubbers are for you. Available in the same colors as Nick's Polos including Seafoam Green, Yuppy Yellow, and Please Kill Me Kiwi.




Want to pay tribute to your native American heritage, but not enough to protest Columbus day? Check out Taylor's solution, as she lightly treads Mother Earth with these moccasins. Warm, comfortable, and no need to tie, they're the perfect fit for those days you're just lying around the tepee.




Winter is here, and sometime soon, you may have to offer your jacket to that special someone. With the black fleece Northface, boyfriend and girlfriend alike can share a coat for the holiday season. But what's the real secret? Dog hair and lint collection at a reasonable three hundred dollars.




Ever wish you could be those kids in the Capri Sun commercials? Me neither, but Alex looks liquid cool in these capri pants. Hemming off just below the knee, capris are a big help on those days when you can't decide between shorts or long pants. And the name? Well, who wants to wear "ports" or "shants"?


Look, people. It doesn't matter who you are or where you're from, unisex fashion is the wave of the future. The line between the "Men's" and "Women's" sections is rapidly blurring, and so is the line between men and women. Every day, girls are taking shits, guys are smoking Camel No. 9s, and more and more bathrooms are becoming co-ed. Make sure you don't get left behind by picking up your gender neutral clothing today. Because the future is now, and the revolution will not be on YouTube.


*The great thing about the phrase "don't touch that dial" is that no TVs are made with dials any more. I think perhaps this calls for a column on outdated colloquialisms, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Don't Be a Betch.

I would like to go on record as saying this: Sororities are an excuse for equally attractive girls to stick together. I'm sure you've heard the terms "hot sorority" or "ugly sorority." What does that tell you, when the general public can confidently make such an observation? It tells you that each sorority has an unspoken requirement based on attractiveness.

Consider the ugly duckling factor: If you were a girl looking to join a sorority, would you seek the one in which you were the least attractive? Would you want to be the exception rather than the rule? The answer is no and there are a number of sad reasons. One is that when out partying with your fellow sisters, you might end up receiving less attention from the opposite sex. Another is that you're not interested in making the sacrifices the organization demands. In some "hot" sororities, for example, you may be limited to a piece of lettuce for lunch and two carrots for dinner. Imagine eating the same diet as a rabbit, just to feel like you fit in.

Now I will acknowledge something the naysayers may want to point out: I have never been and never will be in a sorority. I am not speaking from firsthand experience because, well, I have a wang. This is not the first time my wang has obstructed opportunities. My Dad very much wanted me to apply to Wellesley College, his mother's alma mater. But not even legacy could make up for my lack of a uterus.

So yes, I am speaking from an outsider's perspective. I understand sororities may help girls become best friends foreva eva, and provide wonderful academic and social opportunities. But I see all of that within a culture segregated by looks. Proof is abound, I assure you.

Find one of those large, framed pictures that has an individual photograph of each sorority member in their own little oval. (They may be in squares as well, but ovals seem to be the standard.) Be honest with yourself. This goes especially for the female readers. Don't do the "Oh she's PRETTY!" thing when the girl has a large shnoz, Rec Specs for glasses and multi-colored braches*. It's dawning on you now, isn't it? Maybe there are one or two exceptions, but really, you could put them all in the same category. That's right. You could categorize them all as "slammin'" or "decent" or "maybe if I was drunk." The list goes on, the concept remains.

When you go to a sorority party, see for yourself. Do you notice ANYthing? By your own standards of attractiveness, whatever those may be, where do the girls in this sorority fit? If it's known as a "hot" sorority, aren't the overwhelming majority of the girls "hot"? Ask yourself, what is the ratio of attractive to not-attractive? Perhaps you feel guilty for thinking about these people in these terms. But didn't the sorority itself consider this factor when offering bids? Could you really argue that what you see is the result of pure coincidence? Maybe they didn't mean any harm by it, maybe it all happened subconciously, but I think you'll find the evidence is there. A social organization standardized by appearance.

Since the Greek goddess Athena founded Alpha Delta Pi Tango Chi Omega Charlie in 750 Before Christ, sororities could be measured by tiers of attractiveness. Before you jump to conclusions on your "Jump to Conclusions Mat" remember that I am not trying to take any outraged position of superior morality. I simply would like you to consider my observation and decide for yourself to what degree it is true. And whatever you find, spread the word. Just be careful not to get bitch slapped.

*Braches (n): An alternative pronunciation of the word "braces" generally used to make braces seem funnier. Sounds like "bra-chays" when said aloud.

'nuff said

Alex, Carleton class of 2010

A Little Ray of Hope

So, as all of you know, I am actually borderline obsessed with sports. It is a well known fact that I have watched 13 hours of TV in one day, which happened to be a Sunday, and included about 11 hours of football. Being addicted to something provides a certain amount of comfort and self-worth. However, it does have many downsides. Just ask Nick: while his cigarettes provide him with that cool guy status at parties, he could do without the daily coughing to the point of vomit.

Anyways, back to my main point. Being a Philadelphia sports fan is very difficult. Every team seems to play well enough to get your hopes up that "this could be the year" but in the end everything goes up in flames. For example, the Phillies miraculous comeback of 7 and 1/2 games with two weeks to go in the season, only to run into the Buzz-saw that was the Colorado Rockies. As if it couldn't get worse, the Red Sox joined them in the world series. Anyone who loves sports that doesn't live in Boston hates everything affiliated with with any of their sports teams. For a guy like me, who relies on sports for the majority of my happiness, it has been difficult, as of late, to see the light at the end of the abysmal tunnel that is Philadelphia sports, that would tell me that "everything is ok."

I am proud to report that I have officially seen that little ray of sweet, sweet light. This Saturday morning, I assumed the position on my sofa for what would be a long day of college football. For those of you who don't know, the 12 o'clock games are usually like watching paint dry. However, this Saturday there was a very entertaining game on... #7 West Virginia vs. #25 Rutgers. With 2:43 left in the fourth quarter the game was over for all intents and purposes. An ordinary sports fan would have changed the channel trying to find something more entertaining but I, on the other hand, did not, and thus witnessed that once in a lifetime sports thrill that made my heart leap with excitement. What I saw has allowed me to finish my weekend with a smile on my face even though the Patriots won by as many points as my dad is years in age, and the Red Sox swept the world series. This is for all you sports fans, who way too often find yourselves saying "Well, there's always next year." (See the picture below.)

Jake Gyllenhal to play Dumbledore in 6th Harry Potter movie?

On Neutral Territory

Picture this in your mind:

You're in the midst of an intellectually stimulating conversation about Nietzsche with a guy who's a little to drunk to be in the midst of an intellectually stimulating conversation about Nietzsche, and he says something to the effect of "I'll be back in a second, I'm going to go fill up ma' beer". In an instant, you are stranded. You weren't talking about Nietzsche because you care about Nietzsche, in fact, the man has far too many consonants in his name for anyone to take him seriously. His name looks like an essay written by Steve on his laptop that is missing the 'a', 'o', and 'u' keys. You were talking about Nietzsche to fill space that would have otherwise been filled with silence. My point is, you were small-talking. But now you aren't. Now you are in 'Neutral Territory'. You have not committed to any conversations, and you know that that friendly philosopher is hightailing it to the other end of the party, 'cause he hates Nietzsche (turns out your "friend" is a Lutheran from a bible college nearby). So there you are in 'Neutral Territory', holding yer red Solo cup, feeling aches on the bakes*.

Here at Shmuz Weekly, we've got your back. And we have compiled what we think to be the list of options you have:

1. Pound the rest of what is left in your cup, but be sure to look confident and masculine while doing so. You want this action to say: "I intended to be abandoned here by that Bible kid, and now I'm gonna drink beer!" and not: "Man, even that Bible kid thinks I'm lame, whoa is me. I'll drown my sorrows". Now head to the keg. Keg culture is a staple of american youth society. The tap pumper, the guy who fills all the ladies' cups first (get some!), the guy who comes in with the pitcher for the beerpong game, and is allowed to the front of the line because he is a manifestation of divine mandate, these are all archetypal characters in party society, and they interact like clockwork. Become a part of this society, there is inevitably someone at the keg to talk to.

2. Whip out the phone. Check your voicemail, send a text message, pretend to send a text message, it doesn't matter. The real flaw in this option is it's 'band-aid' nature. It is not a long-term solution to any problem, it merely postpones the awkward moment. You won't make any new pals by sitting at a party with a phone out, but "If you're in a pinch, grabbing your phone is a cinch!"

3. Whip out your dong. Check your testicles, make sure there aren't any lumps, if there are, it doesn't matter. You are still that awkward guy with your dong out at the party.

4. Pan the room with your eyeballs. Look around you.

Look around you.

Just, look around you.

Have you worked out what we're looking for?

In fact there are two specific and distinct things we are looking for:

 

a. Friends. A true friend will accept you into a conversation with open arms. Due to a shortage of seating, and an excess of noise, the party atmosphere generally facilitates conversations that are physically circular in nature, reminiscient of pow-wows or other indian things, like medicine wheels. Here is an example of what a conversation at a party might look like: O. Thus a newcomer, represented by the period adjacent to the O, is innately and fundamentally outcast, until he can forge his way into the circle. A true friend will make the often overwhelming prospect of this forge far less intimidating, by socially or physically pulling you into the conversation.

b. Other inhabitants of 'Neutral Territory'. Inevitably there are other people like you out there in this cold world. If in your perusal of the room you make eye contact with another victim of social circumstance, embrace your parallel predicaments. And make a new Friend! Now that you have a new friend, you may execute option 'a' (see above).

5. Hit up the bathroom. You probably have to pee, and if not, you know you like looking at yourself in the mirror when you're drunk. Beer Goggles will make you look legitimate, even if you're reNickulous. You'll stroll out of the bathroom with a new found confidence, and a clean slate (coming out of the bathroom is far less awkward than coming out of 'Neutral Territory').

6. Leave, there is nothing wrong with going back to your room to watch 'Sex and the City' alone. Sweet guys do it all the time.

*A term coined by Steve Jacobs in 2003, meaning awkward.

Loling All the Way

Consider the following words of comedian Demetri Martin: "I don't type 'lol.' I type 'lqtm' ... laughing quietly to myself ... It's more honest."

The man has a point. As a society, we have developed textual expressions to convey images or sounds generally found in face-to-face human interaction. Especially for laughter. Expressions such as "lol" now have a variety of implicit meanings, but what exactly are they? How do we know when to say "lol" as opposed to "haha"? Or even "lol" as opposed to "lolol"? Shmuz Weekly has your guide:

Lol: It's rare that we actually laugh out loud while by ourselves. Even when you're watching a TV show that you find funny, how often do you chuckle in the same way that you might while watching it with other people? Without the group dynamic, laughing out loud seems more awkward than miniature golfing by yourself. You want to turn to someone and say "Gee willickers, friend, wasn't that hilarious?" or "Talk about a hole in one!" ...but it's just not possible.

Instead, "lol" has taken on a more figurative meaning. It's a way of communicating "That's funny" but in the most broad sense of the word. Think of "lol" as your fail-safe. This can be especially helpful when you're having a conversation with someone that is NOT funny. You can consistenly "lol" them without causing any offense. The expression is now used so frequently in such a wide variety of contexts that if I really had to equate it with anything in face-to-face conversation, it would be a smirk or a smile. Lol is filler, like huge ass sideline reporter Tony "Goose" Siragusa.

Haha: Keep in mind that this is an onomatopoeia, then look at how hard that word is to spell. "Haha" actually represents the sound one might make while laughing. In this sense, "haha" is unique. People that snort, for example, do not write "snort snort," which would sound less like an expression of laughter and more like a Pokemon. "Haha" though, represents a sincere form of internet laughter. When the reader sees "Haha" on their computer screen, that is also the sound they hear in their head, and thus that is the sound they associate with your response.

Another interesting use of "Haha" is to soften the blow of a heavy statement by tacking it onto the end. For example:

"Sorry I purposely backed into your car last night over a bag of 'Blue Doritos' haha."

"Yeah I really deserved to get socked in the face haha."

"I'm pregnant haha."

Lolol: The strung out version of "lol" expresses that you really, truly found something funny. "Lolol" is often used by gamers in moments of great excitement:

TBone: Take THIS n00b!

*STivo was killed by TBone*

TBone: Pwned with a headshot.

STivo: I gave your mom a headshot last night lolol.

Feel free to add extra "ol"s to "Lolol" to further convey the degree of hilarity.

Hahaha: Like the strung out "Lol," the "Hahaha" should be used for when you want to communicate that something was genuinely comical. Considering the prior analysis of "Haha," you can see why "Hahaha" is quite the positive reinforcement for those babes that you've been chatting online with all day.

Feel free to add extra "ha"s to hammer home the point.

Hahah: Clearly in between "haha" and "hahaha." It means something is funnier than "haha" but not quite worthy of "hahaha" status. "Hahah" is to "Hahaha" as the MTV Video Music Awards are to the Grammys. As Kanye will tell you, "hahah" can actually be quite frustrating. Think of it this way: "Hahah" is like when you get an A-/B+ on a paper (which really pisses me off but maybe we'll save that for a separate post.) It's not an 88, but it's not a 91. It's an 89.5.

Hah: Also between two distinct stages, "hah" does not have the harsher tone of the singular "ha" but also lacks the light-heartedness of the full "haha." It's meaning is actually rather unclear, as it is rarely used. Typing "haha" feels like a natural, instinctive motion, whereas typing "hah" requires more concentration to stop short of that extra "a". As if something is missing, "Hah" indicates close, but no cigar that belongs to Terrance.

Ha: This response is as flat as it looks. "Ha" can be used to indicate that you did NOT find something funny but furthermore that you found it annoying or offensive. It depends on the context, but the singular "Ha" seems to have adopted a sarcastic tone. Don't pull this one out unless you are seriously not amused.

There are a few other expressions that we have not covered so far such as "lmao" (laughing my ass off), "lmfao" (laughing my fucking ass off), "rofl" (rolling on the floor laughing), "roflmfao" (rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off), and "lshimp" (laughing so hard I shit my pants). Okay, I made that last one up. But the majority of internet laughter is variations of "lol" and "haha." Using any other expressions beyond those would make you a real shmuz. (lqtm)

I don't think we've met...

How many times have you passed by someone you sort of kind of know and felt the pangs of awkward tension, the slight panic and self-doubt involved in debating whether or not you should just say "Hi." You know exactly what I'm talking about. This moment is complicated, especially on college campuses, and it comes in many different forms. Maybe you're walking by the kid that lives on your hall but never comes out of his room, the one you suspect to be a serial killer. Maybe you're daydreaming, imagining a stint on reality show The Pick Up Artist, when suddenly you find yourself three steps behind a hot girl who glances back in your direction, and makes you feel creepier than Michael Jackson appearing on reality show Kid Nation. Needless to say, I have the utmost sympathy, so here is some further case-by-case analysis and advice for these situations:

Keep in mind that for all of the following, the assumed setting is isolated, just you and the other person. Avoidance through use of a different path is not an option. Think: walking by someone on a bridge when no one else is around.

1. Passing by a complete stranger: This scenario seems to depend largely on the other person. If the stranger is babbling away on their cell phone about how drunk they were last night, then any tension is completely removed from the moment and you are thus free to act however you please.

Alternatively, if the stranger is not using a phone, and your impulse is to avoid any interaction, you may take yours out and pretend to be doing something. Pretending to talk on the phone, however, presents a number of problems. The first and foremost is that it makes you feel pathetic. Saying "Hi, what's up?!" to dead air is in essence creating an imaginary friend. You haven't spoken to "Charlie" since you were five years old. Calling him now would just be awkward for both parties. The other option, pretending to text message/generally fiddle (you like that word choice) involves a risk of doing something extremely goofy due to the fact that your head is focused on that yun screen. You might trip without falling, and turn redder than Steve's cheeks on a nippy day. You might trip and take a spill, in which case the stranger passing by will from then on remember you as that guy who busted his ass. Or you might walk into the stranger, thus rendering your attempt at avoidance to be the cause of interaction.

If the stranger makes direct eye contact you obviously have two options: you can reciprocate or avert. If you reciprocate, the next natural step is a facial expression. (Otherwise, you're just having a staring contest while walking by each other. How many times has someone said to you: "Hey, want to have a staring contest while walking in opposite directions?!") The most common and expected facial expression is the smile. Over my years of extensive research, I've found that the half-smile works best. The half-smile generally consists of no teeth but causes you (and especially me) to appear like the guy on the Lemonheads candy box. Whether the stranger reciprocates or is indifferent to your half-smile, you can feel good about it. If you go with the full-blown, Austin Powers-type smile though, and the stranger does not reciprocate, you may walk away feeling like a grinning jackass.

If you avert your eyes, the stranger will generally follow your lead so as not to make you feel uncomfortable.

If the stranger is neither busy with something like a phone nor offering you any eye contact, but looking straight ahead you might as well do the same thing. You're both making a choice to not acknowledge each other and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Passing by someone you met at a party: I know this one can be tough. Last night, you played against this person in a beerpong game that went into double overtime, exchanging congenial trash talk throughout. You tried to distract them with your disturbingly unsexy dance moves and they laughed and all seemed right with the world. But that was last night and this is now. Now, you don't know whether this person remembers your name, or whether they'd even care to. As always, you can apply any of the techniques listed for the complete stranger scenario, but in this case, I believe the best idea is to greet the passerby loud and clear. Doing so reminds the person that you shared some good times over that delicious laxative, Keystone Light, and establishes the prospect of being sober, daytime friends instead of just drunken, party friends.

Of course, you may not want someone you met at a party to remember you. You may have been that black out guy; the one that dropped the bong and then suggested gluing all fifty of its shattered pieces back together, or the one that yakked on the wall two feet from the bathroom door. If you were that guy, just throw your hood up (HAHA TOM SAID HOOD) and keep your head down.

3. Passing by someone you have class with: If you've ever sat next to this person or talked to them in class, you might as well say hi. The danger here is becoming just class friends. Of course, the class you share is an excellent jumping off point for conversation, but if you establish a precedent of asking "Do we have a quiz tomorrow?" every time you see each other, you WILL regret it. Because you can't ask "Do we have a quiz tomorrow?" on Saturday.

4. Passing by someone you recently hooked up with: This scenario really has to be evaluated on an individual, specific circumstances basis. If the morning you woke up in this person's room consisted of you rolling over and thinking "What the FUCK?" then you're probably not going to want to acknowledge their existence. On the other hand, if you spent the night before wooing them with sonnets off the top of your head, it would make sense to stop and at least discuss the weather.

I know. In reality, the circumstances are usually somewhere in between those two opposite extremes. Just don't put too much stock in one, singular passing by. It may be your both shy, like dogs from Bad Newz Kennels. And besides, if they really want things to continue, they'll like totally facebook you.

AzN InVaZioN

Top 5 Reasons I'm turning into an Asian:
5. I'm a Chemical Engineer
4. When not doing homework or drinking. I play Halo 3 online.
3. While doing that I wear a head set and call 12 year old boys faggots.
2. I ordered Sushi on Thursday night. I also ordered sushi on friday, saturday and sunday night.
1. I've been making fun of asian people for so long that its one of those types of things like "hey that kid is really homophobic, hes probably gay". You know like "Hey that kid really hates asians, hes probably asian."

"We'll call it the South Harmon Institute of Technology!"

So there is a large amount of construction going on at my school. In a few years, there will be some beautiful, modern building designed to wow every prospective student that passes by.

But right now, there is a giant hole. At the current construction site, it literally looks like they may be digging for oil, or the Ark of the Covenant. The work seems endless. At any given spot on campus, you may hear jack hammers, cement trucks, chain saws... the list goes on. And you may look up and see a crane towering over your head. Today, I noticed something special about one of those cranes.

Using my hand as a visor to block the sun, I stood examining the crane, trying to determine why exactly it was in the spot that it was, when I noticed the company name painted on its side.

"JWP Erectors"

This was not a joke. JWP Erectors was not the result of some hilarious vandalism. No, this company neatly painted such a name onto their crane because they wanted to. Now think about this with me for a second.

First, let us imagine the genesis of this name. Picture a group of slezzy board members sitting around a table to discuss the name of their crane company:

Bob: Well, I think the name needs to be direct, to the point. Let's think of it this way Jim, what does our company do?
Jim: Why, that's easy, Bob! We erect things.
Bob: There you have it. We're erectors. We'll call the company JWP Erectors.
Jim: I like where you're head's at. High five.

This HAS to be the way it went down. Otherwise, someone might have pointed out that their name sounded more like a male enhancement supplement. Otherwise, they would have anticipated phone calls from guys for whom Viva-Viagra was just not viva-ing. If anyone in the board room had burst out laughing, they all might have forseen the issues with advertising. And they might have forseen people such as myself cracking up as I walked by one of their cranes.

Of course, it gets worse. Next to the name, there was a slogan, and it read:

"Sky's the limit."

These guys are erectors and the sky's the limit. Just think of a boner that reached the clouds. How hard would THAT be to tuck in?

Clearly, very little forethought was given to this company's image. No one took into account the associations the general public may have with the word "Erectors." I assure you, however, that the fine hard-ons at JWP are not alone. I believe this instance is one of many in which the goofballs with power come up with very unfortunate titles to represent their businesses. Sure, you can find a million examples on the internet. The website for the First Cumming Methodist Church is www.cummingfirst.com. And you've probably heard of Pen Island. You can order that specially customized pen for that special someone at www.penisland.com. But as I was reminded today, the examples can also be found in our everyday lives. Where I'm from on the Main Line, there is a towing company called the Main Line Hooker Service. If their listing in the Yellow Pages did not feature a tow truck, I might have placed a very misunderstood phone call. So keep your eyes open, and if you ever start up your own American-dream small business, remember the crane company JWP Erectors.

Nice versus Not Nice Vol.1

Some comparisons:

My Bar Game > My Dance Floor Game

Nantucket Nectars > Snapple > Arizona Ice Tea

Blunts > Bongs > Joints > Bowls

Oliver Grays Shaving Cream > My Shaving Cream (Does Not Exist)

Halo 3 > Halo 1 > Halo 2

Patriots > Any other NFL team of all time

My pride before I said above statement > My pride now

Pacifico > Dos Equis

6 Dollar pitchers of keystone > $8 Amstel Lights on an overpriced boat bar

Ill leave you guys by reiterating a famous quote:

Kacie Makous: So what do you think about the NBA finals?

Jack Meigs: Youre much more beautiful than the NBA finals.

On Beer Pong versus Beirut

I apologize in advance for the nature of the article you are about to read. The Daily Poup is probably not the most apt venue for the advocation of this point, but the only alternative to Blogging is actually printing shit out, and I don't think people read stuff on paper anymore. So it goes.

Beirut was invented during the Lebanese Civil War, and those who named it thought the dropping of Ping Pong balls into cups was analogous to the dropping of bombs on civilian households in the Lebanese city of Beirut. I think that even the douchiest of douchebag's can acknowledge the immaturity of this analogy. With the Hezbollah-Israel conflict in such recent memory, I think we can all make an effort to quell the use of this insensitive term. It is one thing to take part in debauchery in times of global conflict, it is another completely to mock the struggles of those in need.

Those who defend the name Beirut will inevitably cite the second meaning of the term Beerpong: a game invented by Terry Jacobs and played with paddles, as a source of confusion and thus impracticality of the term's use. To them I say this:
We have all come to accept that the word Football can be used to describe two very distinct and separate sports. The first being 'American' Football, a pillar of our society dating back to Columbus, and the first Thanksgiving day football game, when they played with turkeys. On a thursday. Thus, 'Oh, Turkey Thursday Football'. The second being, of course, the game they play in Europe with the wickets and the intermissions for tea and crumpets. If we have unanimously accepted that the name Football represents two distinct sports, one being quite obscure, why can't we accept Beerpong's dual meanings.

I point out the obscure nature of these secondary meanings simply because I cannot imagine a conversation going like this:

hey man, want to play some Beerpong?

nah, I don't have any paddles.

or like this:

hey man, want to play some Football?

nah, I don't have any wickets or tea or crumpets.

In other words, the secondary meanings are sufficiently obscure as to avoid any confusion in typical, day-to-day use of the terms.

Also, wikipedia says it's Beerpong.

-jake

On Facebook Unacceptability

Now I know Facebook is dear to all of our hearts. I know it's the world's number one news source, above The New York Times and CNN. Lately, however, I have noticed some disturbing trends on Facebook that, in my view, are simply unacceptable. Do we really want our beloved network becoming as shmuzzy as the "To Catch a Predator" stomping ground, Myspace? I didn't think so.

Next time you log on to young slez Mark Zuckerberg's website, please try to avoid the following (in no particular order):

1. Quoting yourself in your Favorite Quotes section:

This usually consists of a quote that is structured as a conversation between you and another person. In your favorite quotes section, it looks like this:

Me: I'm THAT guy.
Friend: No, you're just SOME guy.
Me: Well you're the CREAM OF SOME YOUNG GUY (LOL!)

You can do better than quoting yourself. Find a fortune cookie, or a friend who is high.

2. Girls listing their Relationship Status as "In a relationship with" another girl.

No one likes a tease and you may even end up offending one of your other BFFAEEEs.

3. About Me sections that sound something like this:

"Hey everbodyy!@ I'm Manny, a fun-loving guy who really knows how to get the party started! Represent Boca, Florida, Holla! I just like chillin' with my boys meeting new people and yes, ladies, I am currently and totally available. I also have a soft spot for puppies. Peace y'all!@#"

4. Creating entire photo albums consisting of you and your pet.

We all miss our dogs, cats, and parakeets when we're at college. Just don't tag "Fluffy" if she is not a real person.

5. Creating entire photo albums consisting of you and your friends having a gay old time with PhotoBooth.

6. Creating entirely new profiles for fictional characters.

Yes, Manbearpig is hilarious, but no, we don't need to be electronic friends with him.

7. Using your Status to indicate how you actually feel and/or to garner sympathy:

"Jessy is sooo sick! Someone please bring her a bowl of soup before she dies of not getting enough attention!"

Seriously, just imagine if everyone used Facebook to indicate their true "Status."

"Jimmy is ashamed that he hooked up with that girl last night."

"Bob is wishing his fucking roomate would leave so he could jerk off."

"Jenna is dumping Bob's ass tomorrow."

You see? Catastrophic.

8. Adding unnecessary, pretentious commentary to any of the "Favorites" sections:

"Favorite TV Shows: TV rots your brain."

That is not a TV show. And it's not your favorite.

9. Profile Pictures:

- Less than attractive girls using a picture in which they somehow look hot. We all can be vain. At some point, all of us have tried to find the most flattering picture for our profile, but deceiving others is wrong.

- Atheletes: It's cool to use a picture of you in action at your sport... Unless we can't even fucking see what you're doing. That great shot of you up at the plate with the car and the batting cage obstructing our view is not a "Profile." It's poor photography on the part of your mother.

- Using a picture from when you were five years old. You don't need the "Aw! How CuTE!" wall posts and that bowl cut is never coming back. Let it go.

(Thanks to Marc "Maurice" Schwartz for contributing ideas to this article.)

You've heard of the NaughtAmerica website ring with sites such as MyFriendsHotMom.com and MyFirstSexTeacher. We've all heard of the bangbros escapades anywhere from momsanaladventure to farthammer to the world m'fucking famous BANGBUS. But I've got one to rule them all. In the style of hot or not.com, I am creating PotOrNot.com!

I will take a hold of the niche of identifying if pictures are everyones favorite pasttime, marijuana, or just oregano... or nutmeg! maybe some other herbals. Why I mention bangbus and the other porn rings circulating on the net is that I intend to expand this idea into two even better sites.


Coming Soon:
YayOrNay.com (May 2008)
DopeOrNope.com (Late Fall 2008)

more later

P.S. check the bubs

Introduction

I know what you're thinking. But think again. This is not gay. Yes, the word blog sounds inherently dorky, and sure, many people spend hours in their parents' basements each day alternating between blogging and World of Warcraft. But I for one tried World of Warcraft, and I thought it was inferior gliven.

Rather, the purpose of this, tentatively titled The Daily Poup in honor of Steve Jacobs, is to express those thoughts that, in my belief, too often go unexpressed. I have no doubt, for example, that during one of his three poups of a day, KYDubbs blasting in the background, Steve probably comes up with theories worthy of the nobel prize. (Just imagine: "And for his research on 'Using your Pet Cat as a Paper Towel' ... Mr. Steven Harrison Yakobs). And our friend Nick Renner, though appearing mentally retarded when jerking his head and smacking his lips to drop the beat, can lay down free styles that would make 2pac jump out the grave. I'd be willing to bet Jake Kring thought of a cure for asthma while waiting for one of his famous brews to firment.

But here is the problem: these ideas get lost. They leave as quickly as they arrived, forever gone to a world that might have at least given them a fake laugh.

This blog is the solution. To write these ideas down so that they are preserved better than a case of Natty Light sitting outside a Chestnut Hill train station. We hope you participate: comment, post whatever you want, and such. And we hope that you enjoy.

- Tomas