What's a touchback?!

Sometimes, when I'm watching an Eagles game, my dad comes in and asks, "What inning is it?" He knows that only baseball games have innings, and he could probably tell you that football games have four quarters. When he asks something like that, he's usually joking.

When the camera features a shot of the opposing team's coach, though, it's a different (and telling) story. Let's say I'm watching football and there's a closeup of rosy-cheeked New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin. My dad will look at him and say, "Who is that man?" And this time, he's serious. He really doesn't know. My dad is what I would call a non-fan. He doesn't follow sports, doesn't care about them, and only watches them to participate in a family or social dynamic.

Most sports fans find non-fans annoying. Non-fans ask questions about basic rules. (Why was that a penalty?!) They make seemingly irrelevant observations. (This field has dirt between the mound and home plate!) And they generally exude frustration and resentment over having to sit through a three hour game that you care about WAY too much.

That being acknowledged, sports fans, I'm asking you to give the non-fans a chance, and I'm telling you it's for your own good.

Fans can learn from non-fans, and vice versa. The key is to never dismiss a non-fan for their lack of knowledge. You watch Sportscenter just as religiously as your girlfriend watches the Hills. It's easy to belittle or ignore non-fans for what they don't know. It's more interesting to find out what they do.

For example, if ESPN has breaking news that Sidney Crosby is, in fact, a woman, and a non-fan has never heard of Sid the Kid, that gives you an indication of how the NHL is doing these days. Many non-fans have never heard of Alex Ovechkin either, but you can be damn sure they've heard of Lebron James. Non-fans can help you gauge how far an athlete's celebrity extends beyond their sport. Once your mom can name more than two players in the NHL, you'll know the league is stepping up their marketing game.*

Non-fans can also be useful observers during game time. Yes, their questions can be annoying. But they can also challenge you as a fan. Where do you draw the line between a charge and a blocking foul? Why do the rules seem different for that in the last two minutes? Shouldn't rules be the same the whole game no matter what? Non-fans may leave you stumped, but they can also help clue you in. While you're paying attention to balls and strikes, they're paying attention to how nervous the rookie pitcher looks. They point it out, he gives up a home run. In some sense, they can see it coming when you can't. A non-fan's lack of interest in the game itself often leads them to insights that are lost on a fan following every play.

Listen, I'm a fan. I know that sometimes it feels like non-fans will just never understand. And maybe, for certain aspects of sports, they won't. They'll probably never understand why a win can make your day and a loss can ruin it. Or why you care how Pedro Martinez pitched in a fake game. When it feels like that, just try to remember that they view sports the same way you view The Hills. Who gives a flying fuck that Heidi broke a nail and Spencer like totally ignored her? Well, who gives a rat's ass that Brett Favre and Brad Childress are sexting each other?

All I know is, if we're going to a watch a three hour game together, we might as well make the most of it. We may not always see eye to eye, but all I am saying, is give non-fans a chance.

*Thanks to Kate, with whom I had this exact conversation, for her enlightening perspective as a non-fan

The Home Run Shmerby

During last week's Home Run Derby, I happened to be on iChat with Shmuz Weekly sports analyst Dr. Chim Richilds, also known as Maurice Schwartz. The following are some excerpts from our conversation as we followed the action.

(Play-by-play in bold, my reflections in italics.)

To kick off, we have St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols trying to hit a home run that will win some guy "from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania(!)" a new pickup truck:

Thomas: Of course a goofy fat guy represents Philly on national tv.
Marc: hes prolly from like lancaster and they are jus saying philly

This, of course, is probably true. People such as myself and Marc know well the concept of generalizing the suburbs to mean from Philly. I'm not going to tell someone at college that I'm from Narberth. I'm a Narb to death, of course, but I have to be practical about that pride. Saying I'm from "Philadelphia" will give someone the gist, but for all they know "Narberth" could be Amish country. When I was at orientation for the University of Iowa, I was awarded a free sweatshirt for living so far away from the school. They announced my home town as "Nazareth, PA." Free gear and feeling closer to Jesus? Hell of a 1-2 combo.

Albert lays off a bunch of pitches. He's taking this at bat seriously. This is his stage, and he wants to give his best performance for this guy, who we'll call Jerry from the Northeast. Finally, he makes contact, and falls way short of a home run, short of winning Jerry that dream car.

Marc: this must jus have albert out of his hr derby mindset. that jus sucks for him. he jus let this dude down.

Another astute point. Have you ever seen one of these contests place all of the pressure on a star athlete? It's usually the contestant who has to win himself the prize by doing things like kicking the field goal or making the half court shot. Perhaps baseball just can't have those kinds of contests. What are they gonna do, have a race around the bases? Jerry can't hit one out of the park, so they bring in Albert, a guaranteed hall of famer and a hero in St. Louis. No one expects the machine to malfunction, but then he does, and then nobody wins. Not Jerry, not Albert, and, not Major League Baseball. Albert might as well have hit one that shattered the windshield. At least that would have been hilarious. I say next time, make Jerry catch a pop fly and drive home happy.

The Home Run Derby is giving Neverland a run for its money. The camera cuts to a shot of kids having a gay old time about once every five minutes. Erin Andrews explains the good will behind a heartfelt promotional as the camera pans a bench full of hopeful young ball players.

Thomas: Was Erin Andrews the biatch who got hit by the foul ball?
Marc: hahaha i have no idea. i hope.
Thomas: shes hot though
Marc: yea but id rather see her get hit by a ball than jus look at her

Marc and I talk about the Phils while the derby drags on.

Marc: phils bout to get pedro...i jus wanna say ive been saying to get pedro since the beginning of the year.
Thomas: really? You don't think hes washed up?
Marc: dont know if he will work out. but ive been sayin that shit.

Did anyone hear Marc say this shit at the beginning of the season?

Chris Berman has the call for the derby. Nelson Cruz smacks a ball toward the stands and Berman is all over it with one of his clever puns. "And Nelson sends that one for a cruise around the world!"

Thomas: chris berman is a great choice.
Marc: he is a horrible baseball announcer though, when he does games.
Thomas: i know but for this he's perfect.
Marc: yea.
Thomas: because for a million home run calls you want variation. and he can come up with these ridiculous one liners every time.
Marc: hahaha i know

We're happy that Ryan Howard advances to the second round, but the Home Run Derby is taking longer than me telling a story. After three-plus hours, Prince Fielder is crowned the champion. MLB should change the format in a way that would shorten the event. It would spark more interest, which is just what they want, and they could fill the rest of the time slot with more ceremonial crap that people will watch anyway while they wait for the derby to start. You know this needs to happen when the Celebrity Softball Game was more entertaining than the Home Run Derby. Nelly stole the show, just like he used to at bar and batmitzvahs in 7th grade.

I'm goin down down baby yo street in a range rover, street sweeper baby...

Until next time, in the words of the cunning linguist Rick Renner, keep it easy.

Thoughts of a fat dutch kid

There are lots of random things I do that make people call me a ten year old. Sometimes, it's because of what I'm eating. Lifesavers candy probably falls in that category. That being acknowledged, we can move on to ask, what the fuck is up with Lifesavers wrappers?

When you want to eat a roll of Lifesavers, first you have to attack the top of the package. This always leads to getting the strange silver foil under your nails, and it can take a solid five minutes. Upon reaching the first colored ring, you must begin the process of unraveling the paper and foil tube. By the time you get to the last two or three pieces, you're left with a long, sloppy-looking string of paper. Of course, you can tear off the tail at any point, but it's just impractical. Why would anyone design a candy wrapper that makes you look ridiculous unless you rip it and stuff it in your pocket?

Look at the picture. The only thing that Lifesavers has changed about their package since the 50's is... well, nothing really. Why not put it in a small plastic tube, like the ones for M&M's Minis, the kind Nick uses as a Fleshlight.

I know no one cares, but I would argue that this has serious business implications. There are some things that we just accept are a bitch to open. Electronic products are often in plastic that seems impossible to get through without slicing open a finger. But candy? Really? That could stop a fat dutch kid from coming back.

In the interest of maintaining my image, I think I'll be switching to Fun Dip.