The Home Run Shmerby

During last week's Home Run Derby, I happened to be on iChat with Shmuz Weekly sports analyst Dr. Chim Richilds, also known as Maurice Schwartz. The following are some excerpts from our conversation as we followed the action.

(Play-by-play in bold, my reflections in italics.)

To kick off, we have St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols trying to hit a home run that will win some guy "from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania(!)" a new pickup truck:

Thomas: Of course a goofy fat guy represents Philly on national tv.
Marc: hes prolly from like lancaster and they are jus saying philly

This, of course, is probably true. People such as myself and Marc know well the concept of generalizing the suburbs to mean from Philly. I'm not going to tell someone at college that I'm from Narberth. I'm a Narb to death, of course, but I have to be practical about that pride. Saying I'm from "Philadelphia" will give someone the gist, but for all they know "Narberth" could be Amish country. When I was at orientation for the University of Iowa, I was awarded a free sweatshirt for living so far away from the school. They announced my home town as "Nazareth, PA." Free gear and feeling closer to Jesus? Hell of a 1-2 combo.

Albert lays off a bunch of pitches. He's taking this at bat seriously. This is his stage, and he wants to give his best performance for this guy, who we'll call Jerry from the Northeast. Finally, he makes contact, and falls way short of a home run, short of winning Jerry that dream car.

Marc: this must jus have albert out of his hr derby mindset. that jus sucks for him. he jus let this dude down.

Another astute point. Have you ever seen one of these contests place all of the pressure on a star athlete? It's usually the contestant who has to win himself the prize by doing things like kicking the field goal or making the half court shot. Perhaps baseball just can't have those kinds of contests. What are they gonna do, have a race around the bases? Jerry can't hit one out of the park, so they bring in Albert, a guaranteed hall of famer and a hero in St. Louis. No one expects the machine to malfunction, but then he does, and then nobody wins. Not Jerry, not Albert, and, not Major League Baseball. Albert might as well have hit one that shattered the windshield. At least that would have been hilarious. I say next time, make Jerry catch a pop fly and drive home happy.

The Home Run Derby is giving Neverland a run for its money. The camera cuts to a shot of kids having a gay old time about once every five minutes. Erin Andrews explains the good will behind a heartfelt promotional as the camera pans a bench full of hopeful young ball players.

Thomas: Was Erin Andrews the biatch who got hit by the foul ball?
Marc: hahaha i have no idea. i hope.
Thomas: shes hot though
Marc: yea but id rather see her get hit by a ball than jus look at her

Marc and I talk about the Phils while the derby drags on.

Marc: phils bout to get pedro...i jus wanna say ive been saying to get pedro since the beginning of the year.
Thomas: really? You don't think hes washed up?
Marc: dont know if he will work out. but ive been sayin that shit.

Did anyone hear Marc say this shit at the beginning of the season?

Chris Berman has the call for the derby. Nelson Cruz smacks a ball toward the stands and Berman is all over it with one of his clever puns. "And Nelson sends that one for a cruise around the world!"

Thomas: chris berman is a great choice.
Marc: he is a horrible baseball announcer though, when he does games.
Thomas: i know but for this he's perfect.
Marc: yea.
Thomas: because for a million home run calls you want variation. and he can come up with these ridiculous one liners every time.
Marc: hahaha i know

We're happy that Ryan Howard advances to the second round, but the Home Run Derby is taking longer than me telling a story. After three-plus hours, Prince Fielder is crowned the champion. MLB should change the format in a way that would shorten the event. It would spark more interest, which is just what they want, and they could fill the rest of the time slot with more ceremonial crap that people will watch anyway while they wait for the derby to start. You know this needs to happen when the Celebrity Softball Game was more entertaining than the Home Run Derby. Nelly stole the show, just like he used to at bar and batmitzvahs in 7th grade.

I'm goin down down baby yo street in a range rover, street sweeper baby...

Until next time, in the words of the cunning linguist Rick Renner, keep it easy.