I consider many Shmuz Weekly readers to be a part of my family. We may not go to the mall for a portrait like the one above, but we've all wanted to lovingly choke each other at least once. When we first created Shmuz Weekly sophomore year of college, part of the idea was that it would somehow help keep the family connected. I'll forgo the usual long-winded explanation and just say that life got in the way of updates. But we're back. And I hate to sound like an abusive husband (femnazi), but I mean it this time.
I, for one, hopefully with the help of Shmuz vets and new writers who have finally grown some balls, will make Shmuz Weekly more consistent than Shaq's Twitter feed. The Twitter concept will be our new philosophy: We're like a "microblog," only slightly longer. I can't really make fun of something in 140 characters or less, but I understand that I don't need to write a novel, and that no one really reads my novels anyway. My friends prefer my sonnets.
Without further ado, here are some recent thoughts. As always, please post any responses, suggestions, harassment, etc. in the comments section, and let me know if you want to start writing.
1. Have you ever seen that guy at the train station peer way down the tracks in an effort to spot the train you're waiting for? He looks concerned, like he needs it to be on time. So he's anxious. Fine. But what comfort will he get from staring down the tracks? If he doesn't see it, he always looks disappointed, and yet there's only about a 30 second window when he will ever happen to catch a glimpse of it coming toward him. The thing is, this guy always checks for the train about 5 minutes before it's scheduled to arrive. In my experience, at least with dear old SEPTA, trains are either on time or late. Never early. Why check for them? It must be a compulsive habit. Like Steve touching his shoes... and doorways... and bushes... and signs...
2. While we're on the subject of SEPTA, I thought I should mention the QuietCar. From now on, on trains with three cars or more, the first car is the QuietCar. This means no cell phones and minimal, quiet conversation. If you have to take the train by yourself and you're looking for some live entertainment, take the QuietCar. There's always at least one person who gets on there and is either oblivious to the rules or doesn't give a shit. This person ends up arguing with someone who takes it upon themselves to champion the rules of the car, and because it's so damn quiet, everyone else gets to listen! As with many scenarios in life, the best candidate for the agitator is an old man.
3. Whoever came up with the idea for office cubicles was a sadistic bastard. They're like little prisons. You're confined to your space, and you can only really talk to the person next to you. Again, like prisons, the higher the walls, the more crushed the spirit.
Th-th-tha-that-that's all for now folks. In the meantime, please check out the website where the picture for this post came from: awkwardfamilyphotos.com* and check back for more soon.
*Thanks to the amazing Kate for showing me this site.
