'nuff said

Alex, Carleton class of 2010

A Little Ray of Hope

So, as all of you know, I am actually borderline obsessed with sports. It is a well known fact that I have watched 13 hours of TV in one day, which happened to be a Sunday, and included about 11 hours of football. Being addicted to something provides a certain amount of comfort and self-worth. However, it does have many downsides. Just ask Nick: while his cigarettes provide him with that cool guy status at parties, he could do without the daily coughing to the point of vomit.

Anyways, back to my main point. Being a Philadelphia sports fan is very difficult. Every team seems to play well enough to get your hopes up that "this could be the year" but in the end everything goes up in flames. For example, the Phillies miraculous comeback of 7 and 1/2 games with two weeks to go in the season, only to run into the Buzz-saw that was the Colorado Rockies. As if it couldn't get worse, the Red Sox joined them in the world series. Anyone who loves sports that doesn't live in Boston hates everything affiliated with with any of their sports teams. For a guy like me, who relies on sports for the majority of my happiness, it has been difficult, as of late, to see the light at the end of the abysmal tunnel that is Philadelphia sports, that would tell me that "everything is ok."

I am proud to report that I have officially seen that little ray of sweet, sweet light. This Saturday morning, I assumed the position on my sofa for what would be a long day of college football. For those of you who don't know, the 12 o'clock games are usually like watching paint dry. However, this Saturday there was a very entertaining game on... #7 West Virginia vs. #25 Rutgers. With 2:43 left in the fourth quarter the game was over for all intents and purposes. An ordinary sports fan would have changed the channel trying to find something more entertaining but I, on the other hand, did not, and thus witnessed that once in a lifetime sports thrill that made my heart leap with excitement. What I saw has allowed me to finish my weekend with a smile on my face even though the Patriots won by as many points as my dad is years in age, and the Red Sox swept the world series. This is for all you sports fans, who way too often find yourselves saying "Well, there's always next year." (See the picture below.)

Jake Gyllenhal to play Dumbledore in 6th Harry Potter movie?

On Neutral Territory

Picture this in your mind:

You're in the midst of an intellectually stimulating conversation about Nietzsche with a guy who's a little to drunk to be in the midst of an intellectually stimulating conversation about Nietzsche, and he says something to the effect of "I'll be back in a second, I'm going to go fill up ma' beer". In an instant, you are stranded. You weren't talking about Nietzsche because you care about Nietzsche, in fact, the man has far too many consonants in his name for anyone to take him seriously. His name looks like an essay written by Steve on his laptop that is missing the 'a', 'o', and 'u' keys. You were talking about Nietzsche to fill space that would have otherwise been filled with silence. My point is, you were small-talking. But now you aren't. Now you are in 'Neutral Territory'. You have not committed to any conversations, and you know that that friendly philosopher is hightailing it to the other end of the party, 'cause he hates Nietzsche (turns out your "friend" is a Lutheran from a bible college nearby). So there you are in 'Neutral Territory', holding yer red Solo cup, feeling aches on the bakes*.

Here at Shmuz Weekly, we've got your back. And we have compiled what we think to be the list of options you have:

1. Pound the rest of what is left in your cup, but be sure to look confident and masculine while doing so. You want this action to say: "I intended to be abandoned here by that Bible kid, and now I'm gonna drink beer!" and not: "Man, even that Bible kid thinks I'm lame, whoa is me. I'll drown my sorrows". Now head to the keg. Keg culture is a staple of american youth society. The tap pumper, the guy who fills all the ladies' cups first (get some!), the guy who comes in with the pitcher for the beerpong game, and is allowed to the front of the line because he is a manifestation of divine mandate, these are all archetypal characters in party society, and they interact like clockwork. Become a part of this society, there is inevitably someone at the keg to talk to.

2. Whip out the phone. Check your voicemail, send a text message, pretend to send a text message, it doesn't matter. The real flaw in this option is it's 'band-aid' nature. It is not a long-term solution to any problem, it merely postpones the awkward moment. You won't make any new pals by sitting at a party with a phone out, but "If you're in a pinch, grabbing your phone is a cinch!"

3. Whip out your dong. Check your testicles, make sure there aren't any lumps, if there are, it doesn't matter. You are still that awkward guy with your dong out at the party.

4. Pan the room with your eyeballs. Look around you.

Look around you.

Just, look around you.

Have you worked out what we're looking for?

In fact there are two specific and distinct things we are looking for:

 

a. Friends. A true friend will accept you into a conversation with open arms. Due to a shortage of seating, and an excess of noise, the party atmosphere generally facilitates conversations that are physically circular in nature, reminiscient of pow-wows or other indian things, like medicine wheels. Here is an example of what a conversation at a party might look like: O. Thus a newcomer, represented by the period adjacent to the O, is innately and fundamentally outcast, until he can forge his way into the circle. A true friend will make the often overwhelming prospect of this forge far less intimidating, by socially or physically pulling you into the conversation.

b. Other inhabitants of 'Neutral Territory'. Inevitably there are other people like you out there in this cold world. If in your perusal of the room you make eye contact with another victim of social circumstance, embrace your parallel predicaments. And make a new Friend! Now that you have a new friend, you may execute option 'a' (see above).

5. Hit up the bathroom. You probably have to pee, and if not, you know you like looking at yourself in the mirror when you're drunk. Beer Goggles will make you look legitimate, even if you're reNickulous. You'll stroll out of the bathroom with a new found confidence, and a clean slate (coming out of the bathroom is far less awkward than coming out of 'Neutral Territory').

6. Leave, there is nothing wrong with going back to your room to watch 'Sex and the City' alone. Sweet guys do it all the time.

*A term coined by Steve Jacobs in 2003, meaning awkward.

Loling All the Way

Consider the following words of comedian Demetri Martin: "I don't type 'lol.' I type 'lqtm' ... laughing quietly to myself ... It's more honest."

The man has a point. As a society, we have developed textual expressions to convey images or sounds generally found in face-to-face human interaction. Especially for laughter. Expressions such as "lol" now have a variety of implicit meanings, but what exactly are they? How do we know when to say "lol" as opposed to "haha"? Or even "lol" as opposed to "lolol"? Shmuz Weekly has your guide:

Lol: It's rare that we actually laugh out loud while by ourselves. Even when you're watching a TV show that you find funny, how often do you chuckle in the same way that you might while watching it with other people? Without the group dynamic, laughing out loud seems more awkward than miniature golfing by yourself. You want to turn to someone and say "Gee willickers, friend, wasn't that hilarious?" or "Talk about a hole in one!" ...but it's just not possible.

Instead, "lol" has taken on a more figurative meaning. It's a way of communicating "That's funny" but in the most broad sense of the word. Think of "lol" as your fail-safe. This can be especially helpful when you're having a conversation with someone that is NOT funny. You can consistenly "lol" them without causing any offense. The expression is now used so frequently in such a wide variety of contexts that if I really had to equate it with anything in face-to-face conversation, it would be a smirk or a smile. Lol is filler, like huge ass sideline reporter Tony "Goose" Siragusa.

Haha: Keep in mind that this is an onomatopoeia, then look at how hard that word is to spell. "Haha" actually represents the sound one might make while laughing. In this sense, "haha" is unique. People that snort, for example, do not write "snort snort," which would sound less like an expression of laughter and more like a Pokemon. "Haha" though, represents a sincere form of internet laughter. When the reader sees "Haha" on their computer screen, that is also the sound they hear in their head, and thus that is the sound they associate with your response.

Another interesting use of "Haha" is to soften the blow of a heavy statement by tacking it onto the end. For example:

"Sorry I purposely backed into your car last night over a bag of 'Blue Doritos' haha."

"Yeah I really deserved to get socked in the face haha."

"I'm pregnant haha."

Lolol: The strung out version of "lol" expresses that you really, truly found something funny. "Lolol" is often used by gamers in moments of great excitement:

TBone: Take THIS n00b!

*STivo was killed by TBone*

TBone: Pwned with a headshot.

STivo: I gave your mom a headshot last night lolol.

Feel free to add extra "ol"s to "Lolol" to further convey the degree of hilarity.

Hahaha: Like the strung out "Lol," the "Hahaha" should be used for when you want to communicate that something was genuinely comical. Considering the prior analysis of "Haha," you can see why "Hahaha" is quite the positive reinforcement for those babes that you've been chatting online with all day.

Feel free to add extra "ha"s to hammer home the point.

Hahah: Clearly in between "haha" and "hahaha." It means something is funnier than "haha" but not quite worthy of "hahaha" status. "Hahah" is to "Hahaha" as the MTV Video Music Awards are to the Grammys. As Kanye will tell you, "hahah" can actually be quite frustrating. Think of it this way: "Hahah" is like when you get an A-/B+ on a paper (which really pisses me off but maybe we'll save that for a separate post.) It's not an 88, but it's not a 91. It's an 89.5.

Hah: Also between two distinct stages, "hah" does not have the harsher tone of the singular "ha" but also lacks the light-heartedness of the full "haha." It's meaning is actually rather unclear, as it is rarely used. Typing "haha" feels like a natural, instinctive motion, whereas typing "hah" requires more concentration to stop short of that extra "a". As if something is missing, "Hah" indicates close, but no cigar that belongs to Terrance.

Ha: This response is as flat as it looks. "Ha" can be used to indicate that you did NOT find something funny but furthermore that you found it annoying or offensive. It depends on the context, but the singular "Ha" seems to have adopted a sarcastic tone. Don't pull this one out unless you are seriously not amused.

There are a few other expressions that we have not covered so far such as "lmao" (laughing my ass off), "lmfao" (laughing my fucking ass off), "rofl" (rolling on the floor laughing), "roflmfao" (rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off), and "lshimp" (laughing so hard I shit my pants). Okay, I made that last one up. But the majority of internet laughter is variations of "lol" and "haha." Using any other expressions beyond those would make you a real shmuz. (lqtm)

I don't think we've met...

How many times have you passed by someone you sort of kind of know and felt the pangs of awkward tension, the slight panic and self-doubt involved in debating whether or not you should just say "Hi." You know exactly what I'm talking about. This moment is complicated, especially on college campuses, and it comes in many different forms. Maybe you're walking by the kid that lives on your hall but never comes out of his room, the one you suspect to be a serial killer. Maybe you're daydreaming, imagining a stint on reality show The Pick Up Artist, when suddenly you find yourself three steps behind a hot girl who glances back in your direction, and makes you feel creepier than Michael Jackson appearing on reality show Kid Nation. Needless to say, I have the utmost sympathy, so here is some further case-by-case analysis and advice for these situations:

Keep in mind that for all of the following, the assumed setting is isolated, just you and the other person. Avoidance through use of a different path is not an option. Think: walking by someone on a bridge when no one else is around.

1. Passing by a complete stranger: This scenario seems to depend largely on the other person. If the stranger is babbling away on their cell phone about how drunk they were last night, then any tension is completely removed from the moment and you are thus free to act however you please.

Alternatively, if the stranger is not using a phone, and your impulse is to avoid any interaction, you may take yours out and pretend to be doing something. Pretending to talk on the phone, however, presents a number of problems. The first and foremost is that it makes you feel pathetic. Saying "Hi, what's up?!" to dead air is in essence creating an imaginary friend. You haven't spoken to "Charlie" since you were five years old. Calling him now would just be awkward for both parties. The other option, pretending to text message/generally fiddle (you like that word choice) involves a risk of doing something extremely goofy due to the fact that your head is focused on that yun screen. You might trip without falling, and turn redder than Steve's cheeks on a nippy day. You might trip and take a spill, in which case the stranger passing by will from then on remember you as that guy who busted his ass. Or you might walk into the stranger, thus rendering your attempt at avoidance to be the cause of interaction.

If the stranger makes direct eye contact you obviously have two options: you can reciprocate or avert. If you reciprocate, the next natural step is a facial expression. (Otherwise, you're just having a staring contest while walking by each other. How many times has someone said to you: "Hey, want to have a staring contest while walking in opposite directions?!") The most common and expected facial expression is the smile. Over my years of extensive research, I've found that the half-smile works best. The half-smile generally consists of no teeth but causes you (and especially me) to appear like the guy on the Lemonheads candy box. Whether the stranger reciprocates or is indifferent to your half-smile, you can feel good about it. If you go with the full-blown, Austin Powers-type smile though, and the stranger does not reciprocate, you may walk away feeling like a grinning jackass.

If you avert your eyes, the stranger will generally follow your lead so as not to make you feel uncomfortable.

If the stranger is neither busy with something like a phone nor offering you any eye contact, but looking straight ahead you might as well do the same thing. You're both making a choice to not acknowledge each other and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Passing by someone you met at a party: I know this one can be tough. Last night, you played against this person in a beerpong game that went into double overtime, exchanging congenial trash talk throughout. You tried to distract them with your disturbingly unsexy dance moves and they laughed and all seemed right with the world. But that was last night and this is now. Now, you don't know whether this person remembers your name, or whether they'd even care to. As always, you can apply any of the techniques listed for the complete stranger scenario, but in this case, I believe the best idea is to greet the passerby loud and clear. Doing so reminds the person that you shared some good times over that delicious laxative, Keystone Light, and establishes the prospect of being sober, daytime friends instead of just drunken, party friends.

Of course, you may not want someone you met at a party to remember you. You may have been that black out guy; the one that dropped the bong and then suggested gluing all fifty of its shattered pieces back together, or the one that yakked on the wall two feet from the bathroom door. If you were that guy, just throw your hood up (HAHA TOM SAID HOOD) and keep your head down.

3. Passing by someone you have class with: If you've ever sat next to this person or talked to them in class, you might as well say hi. The danger here is becoming just class friends. Of course, the class you share is an excellent jumping off point for conversation, but if you establish a precedent of asking "Do we have a quiz tomorrow?" every time you see each other, you WILL regret it. Because you can't ask "Do we have a quiz tomorrow?" on Saturday.

4. Passing by someone you recently hooked up with: This scenario really has to be evaluated on an individual, specific circumstances basis. If the morning you woke up in this person's room consisted of you rolling over and thinking "What the FUCK?" then you're probably not going to want to acknowledge their existence. On the other hand, if you spent the night before wooing them with sonnets off the top of your head, it would make sense to stop and at least discuss the weather.

I know. In reality, the circumstances are usually somewhere in between those two opposite extremes. Just don't put too much stock in one, singular passing by. It may be your both shy, like dogs from Bad Newz Kennels. And besides, if they really want things to continue, they'll like totally facebook you.

AzN InVaZioN

Top 5 Reasons I'm turning into an Asian:
5. I'm a Chemical Engineer
4. When not doing homework or drinking. I play Halo 3 online.
3. While doing that I wear a head set and call 12 year old boys faggots.
2. I ordered Sushi on Thursday night. I also ordered sushi on friday, saturday and sunday night.
1. I've been making fun of asian people for so long that its one of those types of things like "hey that kid is really homophobic, hes probably gay". You know like "Hey that kid really hates asians, hes probably asian."

"We'll call it the South Harmon Institute of Technology!"

So there is a large amount of construction going on at my school. In a few years, there will be some beautiful, modern building designed to wow every prospective student that passes by.

But right now, there is a giant hole. At the current construction site, it literally looks like they may be digging for oil, or the Ark of the Covenant. The work seems endless. At any given spot on campus, you may hear jack hammers, cement trucks, chain saws... the list goes on. And you may look up and see a crane towering over your head. Today, I noticed something special about one of those cranes.

Using my hand as a visor to block the sun, I stood examining the crane, trying to determine why exactly it was in the spot that it was, when I noticed the company name painted on its side.

"JWP Erectors"

This was not a joke. JWP Erectors was not the result of some hilarious vandalism. No, this company neatly painted such a name onto their crane because they wanted to. Now think about this with me for a second.

First, let us imagine the genesis of this name. Picture a group of slezzy board members sitting around a table to discuss the name of their crane company:

Bob: Well, I think the name needs to be direct, to the point. Let's think of it this way Jim, what does our company do?
Jim: Why, that's easy, Bob! We erect things.
Bob: There you have it. We're erectors. We'll call the company JWP Erectors.
Jim: I like where you're head's at. High five.

This HAS to be the way it went down. Otherwise, someone might have pointed out that their name sounded more like a male enhancement supplement. Otherwise, they would have anticipated phone calls from guys for whom Viva-Viagra was just not viva-ing. If anyone in the board room had burst out laughing, they all might have forseen the issues with advertising. And they might have forseen people such as myself cracking up as I walked by one of their cranes.

Of course, it gets worse. Next to the name, there was a slogan, and it read:

"Sky's the limit."

These guys are erectors and the sky's the limit. Just think of a boner that reached the clouds. How hard would THAT be to tuck in?

Clearly, very little forethought was given to this company's image. No one took into account the associations the general public may have with the word "Erectors." I assure you, however, that the fine hard-ons at JWP are not alone. I believe this instance is one of many in which the goofballs with power come up with very unfortunate titles to represent their businesses. Sure, you can find a million examples on the internet. The website for the First Cumming Methodist Church is www.cummingfirst.com. And you've probably heard of Pen Island. You can order that specially customized pen for that special someone at www.penisland.com. But as I was reminded today, the examples can also be found in our everyday lives. Where I'm from on the Main Line, there is a towing company called the Main Line Hooker Service. If their listing in the Yellow Pages did not feature a tow truck, I might have placed a very misunderstood phone call. So keep your eyes open, and if you ever start up your own American-dream small business, remember the crane company JWP Erectors.

Nice versus Not Nice Vol.1

Some comparisons:

My Bar Game > My Dance Floor Game

Nantucket Nectars > Snapple > Arizona Ice Tea

Blunts > Bongs > Joints > Bowls

Oliver Grays Shaving Cream > My Shaving Cream (Does Not Exist)

Halo 3 > Halo 1 > Halo 2

Patriots > Any other NFL team of all time

My pride before I said above statement > My pride now

Pacifico > Dos Equis

6 Dollar pitchers of keystone > $8 Amstel Lights on an overpriced boat bar

Ill leave you guys by reiterating a famous quote:

Kacie Makous: So what do you think about the NBA finals?

Jack Meigs: Youre much more beautiful than the NBA finals.

On Beer Pong versus Beirut

I apologize in advance for the nature of the article you are about to read. The Daily Poup is probably not the most apt venue for the advocation of this point, but the only alternative to Blogging is actually printing shit out, and I don't think people read stuff on paper anymore. So it goes.

Beirut was invented during the Lebanese Civil War, and those who named it thought the dropping of Ping Pong balls into cups was analogous to the dropping of bombs on civilian households in the Lebanese city of Beirut. I think that even the douchiest of douchebag's can acknowledge the immaturity of this analogy. With the Hezbollah-Israel conflict in such recent memory, I think we can all make an effort to quell the use of this insensitive term. It is one thing to take part in debauchery in times of global conflict, it is another completely to mock the struggles of those in need.

Those who defend the name Beirut will inevitably cite the second meaning of the term Beerpong: a game invented by Terry Jacobs and played with paddles, as a source of confusion and thus impracticality of the term's use. To them I say this:
We have all come to accept that the word Football can be used to describe two very distinct and separate sports. The first being 'American' Football, a pillar of our society dating back to Columbus, and the first Thanksgiving day football game, when they played with turkeys. On a thursday. Thus, 'Oh, Turkey Thursday Football'. The second being, of course, the game they play in Europe with the wickets and the intermissions for tea and crumpets. If we have unanimously accepted that the name Football represents two distinct sports, one being quite obscure, why can't we accept Beerpong's dual meanings.

I point out the obscure nature of these secondary meanings simply because I cannot imagine a conversation going like this:

hey man, want to play some Beerpong?

nah, I don't have any paddles.

or like this:

hey man, want to play some Football?

nah, I don't have any wickets or tea or crumpets.

In other words, the secondary meanings are sufficiently obscure as to avoid any confusion in typical, day-to-day use of the terms.

Also, wikipedia says it's Beerpong.

-jake

On Facebook Unacceptability

Now I know Facebook is dear to all of our hearts. I know it's the world's number one news source, above The New York Times and CNN. Lately, however, I have noticed some disturbing trends on Facebook that, in my view, are simply unacceptable. Do we really want our beloved network becoming as shmuzzy as the "To Catch a Predator" stomping ground, Myspace? I didn't think so.

Next time you log on to young slez Mark Zuckerberg's website, please try to avoid the following (in no particular order):

1. Quoting yourself in your Favorite Quotes section:

This usually consists of a quote that is structured as a conversation between you and another person. In your favorite quotes section, it looks like this:

Me: I'm THAT guy.
Friend: No, you're just SOME guy.
Me: Well you're the CREAM OF SOME YOUNG GUY (LOL!)

You can do better than quoting yourself. Find a fortune cookie, or a friend who is high.

2. Girls listing their Relationship Status as "In a relationship with" another girl.

No one likes a tease and you may even end up offending one of your other BFFAEEEs.

3. About Me sections that sound something like this:

"Hey everbodyy!@ I'm Manny, a fun-loving guy who really knows how to get the party started! Represent Boca, Florida, Holla! I just like chillin' with my boys meeting new people and yes, ladies, I am currently and totally available. I also have a soft spot for puppies. Peace y'all!@#"

4. Creating entire photo albums consisting of you and your pet.

We all miss our dogs, cats, and parakeets when we're at college. Just don't tag "Fluffy" if she is not a real person.

5. Creating entire photo albums consisting of you and your friends having a gay old time with PhotoBooth.

6. Creating entirely new profiles for fictional characters.

Yes, Manbearpig is hilarious, but no, we don't need to be electronic friends with him.

7. Using your Status to indicate how you actually feel and/or to garner sympathy:

"Jessy is sooo sick! Someone please bring her a bowl of soup before she dies of not getting enough attention!"

Seriously, just imagine if everyone used Facebook to indicate their true "Status."

"Jimmy is ashamed that he hooked up with that girl last night."

"Bob is wishing his fucking roomate would leave so he could jerk off."

"Jenna is dumping Bob's ass tomorrow."

You see? Catastrophic.

8. Adding unnecessary, pretentious commentary to any of the "Favorites" sections:

"Favorite TV Shows: TV rots your brain."

That is not a TV show. And it's not your favorite.

9. Profile Pictures:

- Less than attractive girls using a picture in which they somehow look hot. We all can be vain. At some point, all of us have tried to find the most flattering picture for our profile, but deceiving others is wrong.

- Atheletes: It's cool to use a picture of you in action at your sport... Unless we can't even fucking see what you're doing. That great shot of you up at the plate with the car and the batting cage obstructing our view is not a "Profile." It's poor photography on the part of your mother.

- Using a picture from when you were five years old. You don't need the "Aw! How CuTE!" wall posts and that bowl cut is never coming back. Let it go.

(Thanks to Marc "Maurice" Schwartz for contributing ideas to this article.)

You've heard of the NaughtAmerica website ring with sites such as MyFriendsHotMom.com and MyFirstSexTeacher. We've all heard of the bangbros escapades anywhere from momsanaladventure to farthammer to the world m'fucking famous BANGBUS. But I've got one to rule them all. In the style of hot or not.com, I am creating PotOrNot.com!

I will take a hold of the niche of identifying if pictures are everyones favorite pasttime, marijuana, or just oregano... or nutmeg! maybe some other herbals. Why I mention bangbus and the other porn rings circulating on the net is that I intend to expand this idea into two even better sites.


Coming Soon:
YayOrNay.com (May 2008)
DopeOrNope.com (Late Fall 2008)

more later

P.S. check the bubs

Introduction

I know what you're thinking. But think again. This is not gay. Yes, the word blog sounds inherently dorky, and sure, many people spend hours in their parents' basements each day alternating between blogging and World of Warcraft. But I for one tried World of Warcraft, and I thought it was inferior gliven.

Rather, the purpose of this, tentatively titled The Daily Poup in honor of Steve Jacobs, is to express those thoughts that, in my belief, too often go unexpressed. I have no doubt, for example, that during one of his three poups of a day, KYDubbs blasting in the background, Steve probably comes up with theories worthy of the nobel prize. (Just imagine: "And for his research on 'Using your Pet Cat as a Paper Towel' ... Mr. Steven Harrison Yakobs). And our friend Nick Renner, though appearing mentally retarded when jerking his head and smacking his lips to drop the beat, can lay down free styles that would make 2pac jump out the grave. I'd be willing to bet Jake Kring thought of a cure for asthma while waiting for one of his famous brews to firment.

But here is the problem: these ideas get lost. They leave as quickly as they arrived, forever gone to a world that might have at least given them a fake laugh.

This blog is the solution. To write these ideas down so that they are preserved better than a case of Natty Light sitting outside a Chestnut Hill train station. We hope you participate: comment, post whatever you want, and such. And we hope that you enjoy.

- Tomas