On Facebook Unacceptability

Now I know Facebook is dear to all of our hearts. I know it's the world's number one news source, above The New York Times and CNN. Lately, however, I have noticed some disturbing trends on Facebook that, in my view, are simply unacceptable. Do we really want our beloved network becoming as shmuzzy as the "To Catch a Predator" stomping ground, Myspace? I didn't think so.

Next time you log on to young slez Mark Zuckerberg's website, please try to avoid the following (in no particular order):

1. Quoting yourself in your Favorite Quotes section:

This usually consists of a quote that is structured as a conversation between you and another person. In your favorite quotes section, it looks like this:

Me: I'm THAT guy.
Friend: No, you're just SOME guy.
Me: Well you're the CREAM OF SOME YOUNG GUY (LOL!)

You can do better than quoting yourself. Find a fortune cookie, or a friend who is high.

2. Girls listing their Relationship Status as "In a relationship with" another girl.

No one likes a tease and you may even end up offending one of your other BFFAEEEs.

3. About Me sections that sound something like this:

"Hey everbodyy!@ I'm Manny, a fun-loving guy who really knows how to get the party started! Represent Boca, Florida, Holla! I just like chillin' with my boys meeting new people and yes, ladies, I am currently and totally available. I also have a soft spot for puppies. Peace y'all!@#"

4. Creating entire photo albums consisting of you and your pet.

We all miss our dogs, cats, and parakeets when we're at college. Just don't tag "Fluffy" if she is not a real person.

5. Creating entire photo albums consisting of you and your friends having a gay old time with PhotoBooth.

6. Creating entirely new profiles for fictional characters.

Yes, Manbearpig is hilarious, but no, we don't need to be electronic friends with him.

7. Using your Status to indicate how you actually feel and/or to garner sympathy:

"Jessy is sooo sick! Someone please bring her a bowl of soup before she dies of not getting enough attention!"

Seriously, just imagine if everyone used Facebook to indicate their true "Status."

"Jimmy is ashamed that he hooked up with that girl last night."

"Bob is wishing his fucking roomate would leave so he could jerk off."

"Jenna is dumping Bob's ass tomorrow."

You see? Catastrophic.

8. Adding unnecessary, pretentious commentary to any of the "Favorites" sections:

"Favorite TV Shows: TV rots your brain."

That is not a TV show. And it's not your favorite.

9. Profile Pictures:

- Less than attractive girls using a picture in which they somehow look hot. We all can be vain. At some point, all of us have tried to find the most flattering picture for our profile, but deceiving others is wrong.

- Atheletes: It's cool to use a picture of you in action at your sport... Unless we can't even fucking see what you're doing. That great shot of you up at the plate with the car and the batting cage obstructing our view is not a "Profile." It's poor photography on the part of your mother.

- Using a picture from when you were five years old. You don't need the "Aw! How CuTE!" wall posts and that bowl cut is never coming back. Let it go.

(Thanks to Marc "Maurice" Schwartz for contributing ideas to this article.)