Over the River and Through the Woods

We're baaaaack! I know, this blog is not a movie, TV, or radio program, but we just had to show our support for the Writers Guild of America.

^Obvious excuse for laziness^ But seriously.

I trust you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, spent fading in and out of food comas while coming to terms with the fact that you find your cousin hot. Mine was pleasant, but uneventful, like smooth jazz, WJJZ 106.1. The night before, however, was anything but that. The night before was sudden, terrifying, panic-ridden, then waiting, and finally, full of relief, in that order.

You see, my grandmother, a wonderful and caring woman, was preparing the next day's feast in the kitchen, when she took one hell of a spill. I'm talking what you might call a "face plant." It was bad. And don't get me wrong, I'm not here to make light of the fact that she was hurt, that the bruise around her eye seemed straight out of Million Dollar Baby. That was anything but funny. Instead, I would like to point out that everyone accepts old people falling as a routine part of life.

Just as kids get taller and teenagers become hornier than Ron Jeremy, it seems we all agree that as life runs its natural course, so too do old people lose their sense of balance. I was shocked at how people reacted when my Dad told them about the incident. "My mother fell," he said. And anyone he told, while expressing the expected sympathy, also said something along the lines "Oh yeah, that'll happen." It was as if this event was no different than the usual extended family small talk:

"Did you hear that so and so's kid got into Shmuzbian University?"

"I don't think the [Insert surname of family that never comes to holiday gatherings here] are going to show up."

"Well, we didn't bring the other car because Thomas crashed it into a pick-up truck."

"My mother fell."

Does this change your outlook at all? The fact that when you're old and grey, the rest of the world expects you to be more unbalanced than the Bowl Championship Series? Perhaps that Jazzy "power chair" scooter doesn't look so unecessary now that you think about it. And how will you deal with our society's mixed messages? The Depends commercials imply that if you don't have to piss so often, you'll be able to play golf, do yoga, and sit on benches while smiling at your wife until Old Yeller jumps on your lap and you both have a good laugh about it. But how can you do the more physically active things if you're just going to fall?

As medical technology continues to advance, we can only hope that researchers develop affordable products to ensure more rock steady elders. Yet right now, we can do our best to help by changing our perception, particularly our expectations for those with the seniority. My Grandma fell, and she was okay, but I'm not going to view her in the context as a regular old person that randomly falls. I will continue to treat her with the respect and admiration she deserves, for a life that represents a full and benevolent body of work.

Finally, I hope none of this piece strikes you as contradictory, and I would also like to acknowledge that little kids falling is fucking hilarious.