On Neutral Territory

Picture this in your mind:

You're in the midst of an intellectually stimulating conversation about Nietzsche with a guy who's a little to drunk to be in the midst of an intellectually stimulating conversation about Nietzsche, and he says something to the effect of "I'll be back in a second, I'm going to go fill up ma' beer". In an instant, you are stranded. You weren't talking about Nietzsche because you care about Nietzsche, in fact, the man has far too many consonants in his name for anyone to take him seriously. His name looks like an essay written by Steve on his laptop that is missing the 'a', 'o', and 'u' keys. You were talking about Nietzsche to fill space that would have otherwise been filled with silence. My point is, you were small-talking. But now you aren't. Now you are in 'Neutral Territory'. You have not committed to any conversations, and you know that that friendly philosopher is hightailing it to the other end of the party, 'cause he hates Nietzsche (turns out your "friend" is a Lutheran from a bible college nearby). So there you are in 'Neutral Territory', holding yer red Solo cup, feeling aches on the bakes*.

Here at Shmuz Weekly, we've got your back. And we have compiled what we think to be the list of options you have:

1. Pound the rest of what is left in your cup, but be sure to look confident and masculine while doing so. You want this action to say: "I intended to be abandoned here by that Bible kid, and now I'm gonna drink beer!" and not: "Man, even that Bible kid thinks I'm lame, whoa is me. I'll drown my sorrows". Now head to the keg. Keg culture is a staple of american youth society. The tap pumper, the guy who fills all the ladies' cups first (get some!), the guy who comes in with the pitcher for the beerpong game, and is allowed to the front of the line because he is a manifestation of divine mandate, these are all archetypal characters in party society, and they interact like clockwork. Become a part of this society, there is inevitably someone at the keg to talk to.

2. Whip out the phone. Check your voicemail, send a text message, pretend to send a text message, it doesn't matter. The real flaw in this option is it's 'band-aid' nature. It is not a long-term solution to any problem, it merely postpones the awkward moment. You won't make any new pals by sitting at a party with a phone out, but "If you're in a pinch, grabbing your phone is a cinch!"

3. Whip out your dong. Check your testicles, make sure there aren't any lumps, if there are, it doesn't matter. You are still that awkward guy with your dong out at the party.

4. Pan the room with your eyeballs. Look around you.

Look around you.

Just, look around you.

Have you worked out what we're looking for?

In fact there are two specific and distinct things we are looking for:

 

a. Friends. A true friend will accept you into a conversation with open arms. Due to a shortage of seating, and an excess of noise, the party atmosphere generally facilitates conversations that are physically circular in nature, reminiscient of pow-wows or other indian things, like medicine wheels. Here is an example of what a conversation at a party might look like: O. Thus a newcomer, represented by the period adjacent to the O, is innately and fundamentally outcast, until he can forge his way into the circle. A true friend will make the often overwhelming prospect of this forge far less intimidating, by socially or physically pulling you into the conversation.

b. Other inhabitants of 'Neutral Territory'. Inevitably there are other people like you out there in this cold world. If in your perusal of the room you make eye contact with another victim of social circumstance, embrace your parallel predicaments. And make a new Friend! Now that you have a new friend, you may execute option 'a' (see above).

5. Hit up the bathroom. You probably have to pee, and if not, you know you like looking at yourself in the mirror when you're drunk. Beer Goggles will make you look legitimate, even if you're reNickulous. You'll stroll out of the bathroom with a new found confidence, and a clean slate (coming out of the bathroom is far less awkward than coming out of 'Neutral Territory').

6. Leave, there is nothing wrong with going back to your room to watch 'Sex and the City' alone. Sweet guys do it all the time.

*A term coined by Steve Jacobs in 2003, meaning awkward.